ANNIVERSARIES, 15 IN ALL….

YESTERDAY WAS OUR 15TH ANNIVERSARY.

IT WAS A TIME OF MIXED EMOTION. AT TIMES I FORGOT EVEN OF HIS STATUS.

THE THOUGHT DID CREEP IN A FEW TIMES AND MADE ME SAD. OVERALL IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL DAY.

THE DAY STARTED WITH CUDDLES AND MASSAGING. WE HAD OUR REGULAR GREEN SMOOTHIE AND TEA AND GOT DRESSED TO HEAD TO THE MOVIES.  IT WAS A DATE!

WE SAT DOWN AND GAVE EACH OTHER A CARD. WE GIGGLED AND SMILED AND HAD TEARS IN OUR EYES AS WE SHARED OUR LOVE. THE DAY MOVED ON AND WITH ANTICIPATION.

I FEEL SINCE DIAGNOISS THAT HE HAS BEEN OVER COMPENSATING WITH GIFTS. I UNDERSTAND WHY BUT IT ISN’T NECESSARY. I APPRECIATE IT AND I LOVE HIS JOYOUS SMILE WHEN HE ANTICIPATES MY LOOK OF SURPRISE WHEN I SEE WHAT HAS BEEN GIFTED TO ME.

WE MADE OUR WAY TO THE THEATRE TO WATCH THE EPIC “STAR WARS-THE FORCE AWAKENS”.

WE HAVE A CERTAIN UNSPOKEN BOND. WE MET IN THE BITTER COLD NIGHTS OF JANUARY 15YEARS AGO. OUR RELATIONSHIP IS BASED ON COLD WINTERS WALKS AND FREEZING TOES. OUR RELATIONSHIP IS CEMENTED WITH FRIGID TEMPERATURES.

IT HAS MADE US STRONG AND UNWAVERING IN OUR LOIVE.  WE HAD OUR STRUGGLES. WE HAD OUR MOMENTS BUT WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT. IT IS A BOND I STILL THINK TO THIS DAY I AM UNABLE TO VOCALIZE.

MANY THINGS HAVE HAPPENED TO US. TO ME. TO HIM. THIS NEW CHAPTER PARTICULARLY SINCE IT IS NOW LIFE CHANGING.

WE HAD SUCH A GREAT TIME. SHARING GLANCES. CRYING AT THE SAME MOMENTS IN THE MOVIE. LAUGHING AT THE SAME TIME AND IN SHOCK AND AWW WHEN AN EPIC MOMENT WAS REVEALED IN THE MOVIE.

WE FINISHED THE MOVIE LIKE WE ALWAYS DO. WE SIT THROUGH THE WHOLE MOVIE INCLUDING CREDITS. WE LIKE TO STAY UNTIL THE END. WE WATCH THE CREDITS, TALK ABOUT THE MOVIE, LISTEN TO THE SOUNDTRACK. SOMETIMES WE WANT TO KNOW WHERE IT WAS FILMED, WHAT ARTISTS CONTRIBUTED TO THE SOUNDTRACK.

WHEN THE MOVIE WAS OVER WE LEFT AND WENT WINDOW SHOPPING FOR OUR NEW APARTMENT LOFT. IT IS NICE TO DAY DREAM. NICE TO SHARE OUR DISLIKES AND LIKES OF A PARTICULAR PIECE OF FURNITURE OR DECOR.

WE MADE OUR WAY HOME TO CHANGE AND GET READY TO HEAD OUT FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY SUPPER.

AS WE WERE GETTING READY TO GO OUT FOR SUPPER WE DECIDED TO EXCHANGE GIFTS. I FELT SILLY THAT I HAD NOT WRAPPED MY GIFT FOR HIM. MONOGRAMED INITIALS ON COFFEE MUGS.  THEY WERE VERY HANDSOME. CRISP WHITE AND A STYLISH BLACK INTIAL FOR EACH OF US. MEANWHILE HIS BEAUTIFULLY WRAPPED GIFTS WERE AWAITING MY HANDS TO TEAR APART THE PAPER TO DISCOVER WHAT WAS INSIDE. A CUTE LOVING SILLY GIFT. A BOXED ENVELOPE WITH THE WORDS,” FULL OF LOVE” I TOOK THE SLEEVE OFF AND SAW THE BOOK. I OPENED THE BOOK AND VALENTINES DAY LIKE GLITTER SHAPES FELL OUT. IT WAS A FAUX BOOK WITH THE INSIDE CUT OUT TO HIDE LITTLE TREASURES.  I LOVED IT. I ALWAYS WANTED ONE. THE SECOND GIFT I STARTED TO OPEN. I DISCOVERED IT WAS FROM A HIGHER END STORE AND STARTED TO FEEL SAD AND HAPPY. I FELT MY CHEAP OLD MUGS WERE NOT IN ANY COMPARISON TO HIS. I CONTINUED TO OPEN IT. IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL HAND CRAFTED CRYSTAL ORNAMENT. ABOUT THE SIZE OF A SMALL APPLE. WITHIN THE CRYSTAL WAS A CLOCK. HE COMBINED THE TRADITIONAL AND MODERN GIFT OF 15TH ANNIVERSARY. IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I THINK I HAD EVEN GOTTEN A GROWNUP GIFT. I CRIED EXTENSIVELY. THE THOUGHT AND LOVE BEHIND THE GIFT WAS TOUCHING MY CORE. HERE WE WERE TWO GROWN MEN. WE STARTED OUT AS BOYS. WE STARTED OUT UNKNOWINGLY ATTRACTED TO EACH OTHER. WE GREW TOGETHER.  TEARS ASIDE IT WAS TIME TO GO. TIME TO FACE THE BITTER COLD OF WINTER.

IT WAS FREEZING COLD. I WAS FRETTING OVER WHERE TO GO FOR SUPPER AS IT WAS MY TURN TO PICK.  WE WENT TO A PLACE WE HAVE NEVER BEEN TO BEFORE AND DECIDED IT WAS TIME TO TRY THIS PLACE OUT. IT WAS NICE. WE HAD A GOOD TABLE AND A HOT SERVER, CHAD. A FIT MUSCULAR BLACK DUDE WHO WAS CHARMING AND FLIRTY EVEN THOUGH HE WAS STRAIGHT AND THE LIKE. HE KNEW HOW TO PLAY THE GAME. THE SERVICE WAS EXCEPTIONAL AND OUR MEAL WAS DELICIOUS. WE HAD SOME GOOD CONVERSATION. WE LOOKED BACK AT THE PAST AND LOOKED FORWARD WITH IDEAS AND LOVE.

WE PAID OUR BILL AND LEFT THE COZY RESTAURANT FOR THE BITTER DRY COLD AIR. WE STARTED TO WALK HOME. WE THEN RAN TO CATCH A BUS.  MISSED IT. WE THEN MADE OUR WAY TO THE FERRY.  IT WAS A GOOD WALK HOME, ROMANTIC AND SILLY. WE WALKED BY THE BUILDING WHICH WE WILL SOON OCCUPY. I COMPLAINED MOST OF THE WAY HOME AS THE LONG-JOHNS I PUT ON WERE RIPPING OUT MY LEG HAIR BY THE ROOTS WITH EVERY STEP I WAS TAKING.

WE MADE IT HOME. I WAS TIRED AND STUFFED. WE MADE OURSELVES COMFORTABLE AND CUDDLED ON THE COUCH. HE PUT NETFLIX ON AND WATCHED A STAND UP COMEDY. I FELL ASLEEP ON HIM AS PER COURSE. HE WOKE ME UP AND WE MADE OUR WAY TO BED. WE CUDDLED AND I DRIFTED OFF WITH LOVE IN MY HEART AND JOY IN MY SMILE.

GOOD NIGHT. SWEET DREAMS.

 

Words & Numbers = No Answers

190Days

16 Hours

0Minutes

20Seconds

SINCE WE FOUND OUT….

 

I feel much better now that I had.

He is lucky that the triumeq has been kind to his body.

He has had no visible, mental or other side effects.

Well none that we can tell.  He has been on the pills since October 8th 6am.

83 DAYS….

He has had some tiny pimple like issues around his mouth area, upper lip, not pimples but blister red blemish like. They come and go. He has periods of this.  This has happened since diagnosis but has only had a couple outbreaks since his pills. Unsure if it is related or just “who he is”

His only side effect is within 60mins of taking the pill which are cured with diet, he eats and they go away. I am happy and relieved that is all of the issues he has had.  As for bowel issues. He has always had issues so knowing if it is because of the pills or not is sort of irrelevant. He has always had bouts with his shit…He farts more. His shit stinks more…BUT who knows…

He has a rash the size of a Canadian One Dollar Coin on his left upper leg. It has grown.

Other than that……just the mental anguish he goes through in phases.

My side effects are  perpetual worry. Over the holidays I was sad a bit but happy. Full of love but also very aware of what has transpired over the last 7months.  December was full of Dr’s appointments.

We were eating supper last night and I was obviously getting emotional. He asked me why I was looking sad.  I opened up and was honest with him and said it was because of HIV thoughts. It would be a disservice to him and me if I just kept it inside and not be truthful why I was sad. I had been thinking of his diagnosis…That was the truth. HE smiled and said thank you and we continued with our night of movies and laughs.

 

 

 

bathhouse breeding in a serodiscordant relationship

A few weeks ago  I went to the local bathhouse. It was a weeknight that my partner was working the night shift and I was unaware of how to be alone with myself.

I knew my bud with the foot fetish was working the counter at the bathhouse so I was hopping I would either get in for free, get a free bottle of poppers or….I am not into him but he seems to be into me so I play with it…..

I was there for a few hours. It was nothing to talk about. Same ole same ole.

I posted on squirt.org that I thought it would be busy and men started to come out of the woodwork. A few regulars I have seen before with huge cocks, a bottom then HE walked in.

I had not seen him over a year. He dropped a shit load of weight.

He is a trucker, a bit of pudge, average 7inch cock with horse balls. He probably was 5’11 ad 220 but stocky fit before. He was probably now 175….

Hot as ever but damn…so it was him, my hung friend who is probably pecan thick cock and 9inches uncut..older BB buddy and another oral expert. The three of us in the basement in the dark room. The trucker was servicing all three of us. He was cum hungry. Sucking all three of us equally. I whispered in the hung tops ear to get behind the bottom. He got on his knees and started to work the truckers hole….

He slipped his hung cock into his hole as the trucker continued to suck me off…I stepped aside to let the other dude get his bj then went behind the top to feel his raw cock breed this horny cumslut trucker take it.

I love feeling raw cock in a dudes hole…wish there was more light…..I could feel the tops cock explode in the truckers hole. I felt the shaft pulse..and pulse as my hand cradled his balls and shaft.

I am rock hard just writing this.

The top withdrew his cock and you could hear the slurp plop of his cock coming out. I walked up on my knees to get behind the trucker… I grabbed my cock and positioned it around his warm eager hole, slid it in and I could feel the tops load. Slathering my cock I started to pump his hole. Frothing up his load around his hole, cum dripping out around the sides of my cock as I breed for the first time in months.

The guilt and excitement of breeding for the firs time in months made me dump my load almost instantly. I thrusted every drop in his hole as my hands massaged his ass and waist. I love breeding doggy style. I felt a sense of guilt and “what if” the trucker was poz.

He has a girlfriend. He does go to the bathhouse, he probably picks up on the road. I know he breeds with the oral guy I mentioned earlier. Maybe he doesn’t know. How could he drop that weight.  Distortions started to freak me out and make me forget what I had just done. I loved it but hated it.

I haven’t stopped thinking of it since…..Who doesn’t love a fit, hung big balled cum slut bottom? Tats and a trucker at that! Sort of fits the bill for a gay man’s fantasy.

The boyfriend and I had been with him a handful of times before.

So why was this time any different. Who knows….But I want to do it again.

Fuck I love breeding….

Feels slightly disrespectful to boyfriend who is now living with HIV but….

I have needs….torn….

UNDETECTABLE, almost…

What is a number. They say age is just a number. HIV status is just a number.  Time is just a series of numbers. Bank accounts are just numbers.

What is ONE.

What is undetectable…..

Close but no cigar?

SO….Here are some numbers for you….

June-  Boyfriend had a extremely High Viral Load. 1,000,000’s. That was within just a month of infection.

July’ish- 700,000 parts per millilitre

September 500,000 parts per millilitre

October 400,000 parts per millilitre

October 8th 2015, 6am- FIRST Pill of Triumeq

December 10th 2015- 21 parts per millilitre

UNDETECTABLE IS 20PPM OR LESS!!

SO…JUST SHY OF UNDETECTABLE…THAT IS REMARKABLY GOOD NEWS!

A lot of anxiety was leading up to that number.

Would the pills work? Was taking them at 6am worth it? Was eating better and reduction of alcohol worth it? Was going to bed worth it?

Now we have our answer. It was such a surreal moment.

Lots of tears.

We have become a little complacent. We started to live our lives.

We found a new place to live(move in date March2016), I got a new job, GrandMother died, Had a tiny small emotionally charged spat*first time since May2015 we had any sort of fight.(granted it was the day after grandmothers funeral).  Boyfriend started to see an ENT. Got him hooked up to a CPAP machine. It took 7months to get a psychologist to see him, He just had his first appointment just before Christmas. He has seen a Naturopath Dr 2x.

Now what??

 

TIMELINES

So much time has gone by since my last post.

I truly have no excuse other than a lack of commitment and structure to my life.

In October I applied for a job, got the job, 3weeks of intense training off site then thrown into the position sink or swim style. I am loving it!

I was fortunate enough that my partner stepped up to the plate and helped me deal with life’s daily routine. I am grateful. He wrote me little love notes every morning.  He made sure laundry was done.  He not only made supper nightly but also did the dishes as I absolved myself from all household chores to only fall into the abyss of self reflection of the days training and mentally shutting down.

He loved me. He cuddled me. He made sure I wanted or needed for anything. It helped me achieve my goals.  I had not worked since April. And before that I had only worked for 6months.

It was my time. I knew I had to get off my rocker and get out in life. I not only had to live my motto of be strong to be strong for him later. It involved me becoming a whole person.

I was not working. I was only bringing in $790 bucks a month from disability. Whereas he has HIV and is working. Worked through his seroconversion, his pills, the mental anguish, YET here I sit unable to get out in the world and contribute.

I wanted to work. I just had no idea what I was capable of. I felt a wave of positivity from my partners journey. I knew I could do it. An opportunity arose and I grabbed it and did my best.

I have been working full time since December 4th.

Daily I knew I wanted to write in my blog for you fellow readers but was so caught up in my new chapter I was unable to get ahold of what was happening let alone able to put it into words.

I generally prefer not to write at home. I like going to a coffee shop and being out in the world to allow influences and life inspire me to write. So here I sit. January 2nd 2016. A new year….

The next couple of months should be busy for me but I hope to achieve some sense of normalcy now that I have a months schedule I can pencil in some blogging time.

Much has happened for my partner and I’s path of positivity that I have been bursting at the seams to share. Now I have an opportunity.

Happy New Year!