Poz on Poz. Birthday Cock…

Here I sit at a coffee shop on a grey day awaiting my daily dose of coffee. The PozPig is with me today. It is his birthday weekend. I have taken 4.5 days off to be with him. We have both worked so hard this last year we have not had many opportunities to connect.

I have mixed feelings about these 4 days ahead of us. Wondering what they will bring and if I will be disappointed when it is all said and done. I want to be a pig and fuck all weekend.  I want to whore his ass out and see him fill his boy hole with as many loads as he can take.

We had some hot one sided oral sex the two nights ago. Quick simple, cock sucking, ball sucking and ass eating as he spewed his toxic load all over my chest. I had no opportunity to blow as it was sort of in the cards that it was all about him. We had not had sex together in well over 3 weeks and he has been in a slump so to speak.

He has had sex, we have not. It has become a bit intolerable and bothersome that he has been fucking other dudes as I sit in the closet and beat off watching as he has his fill.

He has had many guys this summer come over to the loft. Some Bareback, Some with condoms, some just oral. Some were Poz dudes, some said they were neg and I am sure perhaps some never knew their status.

He has had some remarkable men and boys. Some were smooth fit muscle studs that just wanted a hole to fill. One man was a hot, shaved head, muscle mature man, mid forties, with a hung man meat. He was POZ. My boyfriend has always wanted to hookup with him but nothing ever came of it. We never knew he was poz before the night he first came over.

Over the last few years prior to his HIV infection we had been on a few sites, manhunt, squirt, grindr, etc…We have seen this dude on the sites. HE tried to message him and wink at him but to no success. Boyfriend always felt he was out of his league. It was within the last year the boyfriend said that this dude was on his wishlist. A fantasy. He is handsome. Scruff, manly. Beautiful face.

I was on squirt.org on my bf’s account and this guy messaged. He wanted to fuck. So i kept the conversation going. I got a picture off of him and realized it was the same pic that I had seen on BBRT and that guy was poz. So I yelled across the loft for Bf to come to me and look at my discovery.

It is interesting that after all these years that as it turns out his fantasy fuck is Poz and now more than ever on the to do list and a real possibility to take raw man cock again. Maybe this is why this dude has never given boyfriend the attention he wanted because he knew he was poz and never really felt it a possibility that he could fuck a negative boy. After a conversation and self disclosure and asking him a couple of times to reassure him if he was good to fuck raw he said he would come over.

The boyfriend was in shock. He could not believe after all this time he was going to fuck a man he has always wanted to service. He got in the bathroom, douched, bathed, trimmed and waited! I quiver just writing about it.

Within 90mins he was over to the loft and balls deep in boyfriend, making him a dirty little cum slut. HE rammed, plowed, and tortured the boyfriends hole. I have never ever heard him cry for mercy as he took hung cock. This man seemed to be given the forbidden fruit. How many men has this Poz dude been with, has he too lived a sheltered sex life because many men won’t fuck a Poz dude in our tiny homophobic, aids ignorant society we live in. He acted like he hasn’t BB a willing hole in a long time.

My boyfriend loved it. He sucked, he worshipped, he was put into every position I could imagine by this Poz man. He wanted his hole. I was watching silently beating off in the closet across from the bed unknowingly witnessing true pig fucking. When the man wasn’t fucking him the boyfriend cleaned off the freshly ass juiced man meat and re lubed it with his spit  polishing it off and then bending over and taking it again.

The room smelled like stench. Pure man on man stench. Poppers lingered in the air, ass juice flowing, spit everywhere, ass juice all over the fuck blanket. Lube all over their bodies. The Poz dude pulled the bf’s body in any direction he wanted. He was rough on him. One position he turned him into a pretzel and heaved his shaft down his shit chute. He started to moan, scream and moaned” I’m cumin” he unloaded in his hole and kept pumping his dirty seed down his hole. The boyfriend was shivering and glistening with a well deserved sweat. The collapsed onto the bed and made small chat.

To cut to the chase, the Poz Man who is the quentential gay man. Handsome, fit, bald shaved head, beard. He sort of looked like the porn star, ” Drew Sebastian” He is fucking hot. Needless to say, this local Porn Star came over 2 more times. They have been chatting a bit on text messaging.

I am a bit jealous. He is everything I am not. He gives the boyfriend I am unable to give him. Over and over again. Even though the Poz man disclosed to the bf the bf has yet to disclose to him his status. I am unsure if he ever will.

I do get something from it as well. I fulfill my inner whore voyeuristic eye. But the side effects are ye to be determined.

The boyfriend is now in a slump. Not in the mood. Not wanting to hookup with other guys nor me.  I am unsure of his intentions or reasoning for it. It has happened before pre and post hiv.

Nothing to worry about I tell myself. But I am an anxious person anyway so who knows.

As much as I want to who him out if he is not willing it is a fruitless cause.

My fantasy is for me to stay online all day and invite guys over and walk into the bedroom and find him on all fours, seed him, have him suck them and leave..Then once the sun sets take him to the bathhouse and have him take as many cocks as he can take in the dark room. All for the sake of cock.  All for my selfish reasons.

With all this being said. What is it about me? Why is it at times when I want him to take a strangers cock and load I get all worked up with anticipation. However when it is early in the day and I jerk off to porn on different sites or even to the boyfriends homemade video of the Poz dude breeding him once I blow I feel guilt and don’t want him to be with anyone else and feel satisfied. Yet a few hours later I am wanting it again.

I want the boyfriend to feel special and remember the birthday we spent together but would it be tainted if he took another mans load other than mine?

This morning when we woke up he was in the bathroom for some time as I was adjusting to the morning light coming through the curtains. Awaiting his return to I could take my turn in the washroom, refreshing my mouth and wash my cock. The boyfriend returned and then I had my turn.

We kissed, we fondled, I went for his ass as he whispered,” careful it may be dirty.” I replied,” I thought you washed it” He said, “I did but be careful”

So I went for it. He had a faint faint smell of a shit but he was clean. I made him moan as i ate his ass and taint. It was refreshing to make a man moan. My man. I felt comfortable and secure. I then crawled up onto all fours and rubbed my shaft against his hole with random pokes. My head pressing against his spit lathered quivering hole. He was intense in his moans and grunts. His inner slut bottom wanted it. He forgot his status and didn’t care my knob was poking him. My juicy knob every few thrusts penetrated his hole. He made no excuse and accepted my cock. I wanted to breed him. I wanted him to take my load. Other negative men have fucked him, knowingly full well his status and others not. He has accepted others cocks but he has never wanted me to breed him. What was I to do.

I stopped and got up beside him laying side by side and cocks pressed against each other. I then instructed him to clean my cock off. I muttered,” I like dirty ass and you like dirty cock so clean it off” It was a figure of speech. MY cock had no shit on it. Just ass juice.

We cuddled a bit and then we got out of bed. No load. No orgasm. Just left it at that.

I sort of used him to excite him. I wanted his hole to want more. I planted the seed that he could take big cock today. TO fill his hole. TO want seed. TO take raw cock. POZ cock.  I told him ,” it is your birthday weekend, you deserve what your hole desires!”

 

ANNIVERSARIES, 15 IN ALL….

YESTERDAY WAS OUR 15TH ANNIVERSARY.

IT WAS A TIME OF MIXED EMOTION. AT TIMES I FORGOT EVEN OF HIS STATUS.

THE THOUGHT DID CREEP IN A FEW TIMES AND MADE ME SAD. OVERALL IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL DAY.

THE DAY STARTED WITH CUDDLES AND MASSAGING. WE HAD OUR REGULAR GREEN SMOOTHIE AND TEA AND GOT DRESSED TO HEAD TO THE MOVIES.  IT WAS A DATE!

WE SAT DOWN AND GAVE EACH OTHER A CARD. WE GIGGLED AND SMILED AND HAD TEARS IN OUR EYES AS WE SHARED OUR LOVE. THE DAY MOVED ON AND WITH ANTICIPATION.

I FEEL SINCE DIAGNOISS THAT HE HAS BEEN OVER COMPENSATING WITH GIFTS. I UNDERSTAND WHY BUT IT ISN’T NECESSARY. I APPRECIATE IT AND I LOVE HIS JOYOUS SMILE WHEN HE ANTICIPATES MY LOOK OF SURPRISE WHEN I SEE WHAT HAS BEEN GIFTED TO ME.

WE MADE OUR WAY TO THE THEATRE TO WATCH THE EPIC “STAR WARS-THE FORCE AWAKENS”.

WE HAVE A CERTAIN UNSPOKEN BOND. WE MET IN THE BITTER COLD NIGHTS OF JANUARY 15YEARS AGO. OUR RELATIONSHIP IS BASED ON COLD WINTERS WALKS AND FREEZING TOES. OUR RELATIONSHIP IS CEMENTED WITH FRIGID TEMPERATURES.

IT HAS MADE US STRONG AND UNWAVERING IN OUR LOIVE.  WE HAD OUR STRUGGLES. WE HAD OUR MOMENTS BUT WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT. IT IS A BOND I STILL THINK TO THIS DAY I AM UNABLE TO VOCALIZE.

MANY THINGS HAVE HAPPENED TO US. TO ME. TO HIM. THIS NEW CHAPTER PARTICULARLY SINCE IT IS NOW LIFE CHANGING.

WE HAD SUCH A GREAT TIME. SHARING GLANCES. CRYING AT THE SAME MOMENTS IN THE MOVIE. LAUGHING AT THE SAME TIME AND IN SHOCK AND AWW WHEN AN EPIC MOMENT WAS REVEALED IN THE MOVIE.

WE FINISHED THE MOVIE LIKE WE ALWAYS DO. WE SIT THROUGH THE WHOLE MOVIE INCLUDING CREDITS. WE LIKE TO STAY UNTIL THE END. WE WATCH THE CREDITS, TALK ABOUT THE MOVIE, LISTEN TO THE SOUNDTRACK. SOMETIMES WE WANT TO KNOW WHERE IT WAS FILMED, WHAT ARTISTS CONTRIBUTED TO THE SOUNDTRACK.

WHEN THE MOVIE WAS OVER WE LEFT AND WENT WINDOW SHOPPING FOR OUR NEW APARTMENT LOFT. IT IS NICE TO DAY DREAM. NICE TO SHARE OUR DISLIKES AND LIKES OF A PARTICULAR PIECE OF FURNITURE OR DECOR.

WE MADE OUR WAY HOME TO CHANGE AND GET READY TO HEAD OUT FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY SUPPER.

AS WE WERE GETTING READY TO GO OUT FOR SUPPER WE DECIDED TO EXCHANGE GIFTS. I FELT SILLY THAT I HAD NOT WRAPPED MY GIFT FOR HIM. MONOGRAMED INITIALS ON COFFEE MUGS.  THEY WERE VERY HANDSOME. CRISP WHITE AND A STYLISH BLACK INTIAL FOR EACH OF US. MEANWHILE HIS BEAUTIFULLY WRAPPED GIFTS WERE AWAITING MY HANDS TO TEAR APART THE PAPER TO DISCOVER WHAT WAS INSIDE. A CUTE LOVING SILLY GIFT. A BOXED ENVELOPE WITH THE WORDS,” FULL OF LOVE” I TOOK THE SLEEVE OFF AND SAW THE BOOK. I OPENED THE BOOK AND VALENTINES DAY LIKE GLITTER SHAPES FELL OUT. IT WAS A FAUX BOOK WITH THE INSIDE CUT OUT TO HIDE LITTLE TREASURES.  I LOVED IT. I ALWAYS WANTED ONE. THE SECOND GIFT I STARTED TO OPEN. I DISCOVERED IT WAS FROM A HIGHER END STORE AND STARTED TO FEEL SAD AND HAPPY. I FELT MY CHEAP OLD MUGS WERE NOT IN ANY COMPARISON TO HIS. I CONTINUED TO OPEN IT. IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL HAND CRAFTED CRYSTAL ORNAMENT. ABOUT THE SIZE OF A SMALL APPLE. WITHIN THE CRYSTAL WAS A CLOCK. HE COMBINED THE TRADITIONAL AND MODERN GIFT OF 15TH ANNIVERSARY. IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I THINK I HAD EVEN GOTTEN A GROWNUP GIFT. I CRIED EXTENSIVELY. THE THOUGHT AND LOVE BEHIND THE GIFT WAS TOUCHING MY CORE. HERE WE WERE TWO GROWN MEN. WE STARTED OUT AS BOYS. WE STARTED OUT UNKNOWINGLY ATTRACTED TO EACH OTHER. WE GREW TOGETHER.  TEARS ASIDE IT WAS TIME TO GO. TIME TO FACE THE BITTER COLD OF WINTER.

IT WAS FREEZING COLD. I WAS FRETTING OVER WHERE TO GO FOR SUPPER AS IT WAS MY TURN TO PICK.  WE WENT TO A PLACE WE HAVE NEVER BEEN TO BEFORE AND DECIDED IT WAS TIME TO TRY THIS PLACE OUT. IT WAS NICE. WE HAD A GOOD TABLE AND A HOT SERVER, CHAD. A FIT MUSCULAR BLACK DUDE WHO WAS CHARMING AND FLIRTY EVEN THOUGH HE WAS STRAIGHT AND THE LIKE. HE KNEW HOW TO PLAY THE GAME. THE SERVICE WAS EXCEPTIONAL AND OUR MEAL WAS DELICIOUS. WE HAD SOME GOOD CONVERSATION. WE LOOKED BACK AT THE PAST AND LOOKED FORWARD WITH IDEAS AND LOVE.

WE PAID OUR BILL AND LEFT THE COZY RESTAURANT FOR THE BITTER DRY COLD AIR. WE STARTED TO WALK HOME. WE THEN RAN TO CATCH A BUS.  MISSED IT. WE THEN MADE OUR WAY TO THE FERRY.  IT WAS A GOOD WALK HOME, ROMANTIC AND SILLY. WE WALKED BY THE BUILDING WHICH WE WILL SOON OCCUPY. I COMPLAINED MOST OF THE WAY HOME AS THE LONG-JOHNS I PUT ON WERE RIPPING OUT MY LEG HAIR BY THE ROOTS WITH EVERY STEP I WAS TAKING.

WE MADE IT HOME. I WAS TIRED AND STUFFED. WE MADE OURSELVES COMFORTABLE AND CUDDLED ON THE COUCH. HE PUT NETFLIX ON AND WATCHED A STAND UP COMEDY. I FELL ASLEEP ON HIM AS PER COURSE. HE WOKE ME UP AND WE MADE OUR WAY TO BED. WE CUDDLED AND I DRIFTED OFF WITH LOVE IN MY HEART AND JOY IN MY SMILE.

GOOD NIGHT. SWEET DREAMS.

 

bathhouse breeding in a serodiscordant relationship

A few weeks ago  I went to the local bathhouse. It was a weeknight that my partner was working the night shift and I was unaware of how to be alone with myself.

I knew my bud with the foot fetish was working the counter at the bathhouse so I was hopping I would either get in for free, get a free bottle of poppers or….I am not into him but he seems to be into me so I play with it…..

I was there for a few hours. It was nothing to talk about. Same ole same ole.

I posted on squirt.org that I thought it would be busy and men started to come out of the woodwork. A few regulars I have seen before with huge cocks, a bottom then HE walked in.

I had not seen him over a year. He dropped a shit load of weight.

He is a trucker, a bit of pudge, average 7inch cock with horse balls. He probably was 5’11 ad 220 but stocky fit before. He was probably now 175….

Hot as ever but damn…so it was him, my hung friend who is probably pecan thick cock and 9inches uncut..older BB buddy and another oral expert. The three of us in the basement in the dark room. The trucker was servicing all three of us. He was cum hungry. Sucking all three of us equally. I whispered in the hung tops ear to get behind the bottom. He got on his knees and started to work the truckers hole….

He slipped his hung cock into his hole as the trucker continued to suck me off…I stepped aside to let the other dude get his bj then went behind the top to feel his raw cock breed this horny cumslut trucker take it.

I love feeling raw cock in a dudes hole…wish there was more light…..I could feel the tops cock explode in the truckers hole. I felt the shaft pulse..and pulse as my hand cradled his balls and shaft.

I am rock hard just writing this.

The top withdrew his cock and you could hear the slurp plop of his cock coming out. I walked up on my knees to get behind the trucker… I grabbed my cock and positioned it around his warm eager hole, slid it in and I could feel the tops load. Slathering my cock I started to pump his hole. Frothing up his load around his hole, cum dripping out around the sides of my cock as I breed for the first time in months.

The guilt and excitement of breeding for the firs time in months made me dump my load almost instantly. I thrusted every drop in his hole as my hands massaged his ass and waist. I love breeding doggy style. I felt a sense of guilt and “what if” the trucker was poz.

He has a girlfriend. He does go to the bathhouse, he probably picks up on the road. I know he breeds with the oral guy I mentioned earlier. Maybe he doesn’t know. How could he drop that weight.  Distortions started to freak me out and make me forget what I had just done. I loved it but hated it.

I haven’t stopped thinking of it since…..Who doesn’t love a fit, hung big balled cum slut bottom? Tats and a trucker at that! Sort of fits the bill for a gay man’s fantasy.

The boyfriend and I had been with him a handful of times before.

So why was this time any different. Who knows….But I want to do it again.

Fuck I love breeding….

Feels slightly disrespectful to boyfriend who is now living with HIV but….

I have needs….torn….

UNDETECTABLE, almost…

What is a number. They say age is just a number. HIV status is just a number.  Time is just a series of numbers. Bank accounts are just numbers.

What is ONE.

What is undetectable…..

Close but no cigar?

SO….Here are some numbers for you….

June-  Boyfriend had a extremely High Viral Load. 1,000,000’s. That was within just a month of infection.

July’ish- 700,000 parts per millilitre

September 500,000 parts per millilitre

October 400,000 parts per millilitre

October 8th 2015, 6am- FIRST Pill of Triumeq

December 10th 2015- 21 parts per millilitre

UNDETECTABLE IS 20PPM OR LESS!!

SO…JUST SHY OF UNDETECTABLE…THAT IS REMARKABLY GOOD NEWS!

A lot of anxiety was leading up to that number.

Would the pills work? Was taking them at 6am worth it? Was eating better and reduction of alcohol worth it? Was going to bed worth it?

Now we have our answer. It was such a surreal moment.

Lots of tears.

We have become a little complacent. We started to live our lives.

We found a new place to live(move in date March2016), I got a new job, GrandMother died, Had a tiny small emotionally charged spat*first time since May2015 we had any sort of fight.(granted it was the day after grandmothers funeral).  Boyfriend started to see an ENT. Got him hooked up to a CPAP machine. It took 7months to get a psychologist to see him, He just had his first appointment just before Christmas. He has seen a Naturopath Dr 2x.

Now what??

 

TIMELINES

So much time has gone by since my last post.

I truly have no excuse other than a lack of commitment and structure to my life.

In October I applied for a job, got the job, 3weeks of intense training off site then thrown into the position sink or swim style. I am loving it!

I was fortunate enough that my partner stepped up to the plate and helped me deal with life’s daily routine. I am grateful. He wrote me little love notes every morning.  He made sure laundry was done.  He not only made supper nightly but also did the dishes as I absolved myself from all household chores to only fall into the abyss of self reflection of the days training and mentally shutting down.

He loved me. He cuddled me. He made sure I wanted or needed for anything. It helped me achieve my goals.  I had not worked since April. And before that I had only worked for 6months.

It was my time. I knew I had to get off my rocker and get out in life. I not only had to live my motto of be strong to be strong for him later. It involved me becoming a whole person.

I was not working. I was only bringing in $790 bucks a month from disability. Whereas he has HIV and is working. Worked through his seroconversion, his pills, the mental anguish, YET here I sit unable to get out in the world and contribute.

I wanted to work. I just had no idea what I was capable of. I felt a wave of positivity from my partners journey. I knew I could do it. An opportunity arose and I grabbed it and did my best.

I have been working full time since December 4th.

Daily I knew I wanted to write in my blog for you fellow readers but was so caught up in my new chapter I was unable to get ahold of what was happening let alone able to put it into words.

I generally prefer not to write at home. I like going to a coffee shop and being out in the world to allow influences and life inspire me to write. So here I sit. January 2nd 2016. A new year….

The next couple of months should be busy for me but I hope to achieve some sense of normalcy now that I have a months schedule I can pencil in some blogging time.

Much has happened for my partner and I’s path of positivity that I have been bursting at the seams to share. Now I have an opportunity.

Happy New Year!

Fucking and Sucking at the Bathhouse

I could not take it anymore. I went to the local bathhouse on Sunday.  I know a guy who works there so I was hoping to get in there for free. That was not the case. He also told me on my way over to bring a book. I guess it has been slow there recently. It seems to be that when it is busy one night of the weekend the next couple days are slow and not so busy at all. I had to go.  had to take my chances and have some fun. I was craving some man cock and just to feel it in my hand.

I went. I paid my dues and went to my room. Only one other man was there. It was awkward for a bit. Not knowing how I wanted to conduct myself in the realms of fucking and sucking.

I walked around. Put my towel on and enjoyed the porn playing on the tvs throughout the bathhouse. It as ok. A few other men appeared and we played the game. We all took turns following each other.

Here is the attendance. Myself. A early 50s fit wish man with a big chest tattoo and a hung cock.  A middle aged man, slim and trim, shy and fussy. An older slim trim man, white hair and a white beard. A slim trim late 40s man*who i have played with before. A 30s shortish cub with a hairy chest and beard. Plus 2 other middle aged men.

I had the pleasure of sampling the older man with the tattoo. I was unaware at the time who’s cock was in the dark glory hole but it was awesome. He was hung, juicy and how a mans cock should feel in your mouth.  I was cock hungry, I also had the older white haired man in my mouth.  All the men were hung that day.  I also had the pleasure of feasting on the regular guy I had met before.  At one point the white hair hung man and my regular and I all played in the glory hole. It was great. I was so horny and the feeling of having two hung fat cocks in each hand as I sucked was great.

I will admit 2 days later I have some guilt. I feel….I feel like Christ…I could have gotten HIV, I could have gotten any other STD.  sighs…Time will tell.

I know the tattoo man had cum near my mouth and I had a small taste. I also could taste pre-cum from my regular. I also know my regular plays a lot and he self admitted to me in the past he had “curable” STDS..thank god for antibiotics.

So here I sit in the coffee shop…Do I have an STD.  Unlikely HIV but it’s still a risk. I mean,” what if the man who gave it to my partner has not been contacted or knows he has it and is out there spreading it still!!!”

sighs…This is what nearly turns me off from SEX.

Poppered Out: an Ode to the Good Ole Days….

Am I too old for this shit?

This is a common mental  note I make after I spend some time jacking off when I use poppers as an enhancement to my edging sessions.

I have been using Poppers since I was 21. I had accidentally came across this phenomenon of gay culture. I remember visiting a gay bar for a Halloween event and I was dancing away and I noticed many gay boys dancing it up with lighters to their nose. I never thought much of it. Curious but not tempted. I remember a boy asking me if I wanted a huff. I declined after asking him what it was.

It was on my mind for several months. After leaving the big city back to where I was living I was laying in bed with my boyfriend at the time. We were talking about it. I told him the local sex shop was selling this liquid called Poppers and I wanted to try it. We agreed to try it. He went to shower and I ran to the local porn shop to buy a bottle of this heavenly substance.

I got back to the apartment and I ran into the bedroom to start our little sex party for two. It was amazing. We inhaled this euphoric liquid like it was our existence. We had a great time fucking.

Needless to say 20 years later I am still using it. I have always wanted it apart of my sex life. It was many years later that I started to hear rumblings on how it is not good for you.

20 years later I am now finding myself more cautious of its use. I love it. I love the feeling, I love the habit of edging my cock and raising my hand to my nose and taking a big huff filling my lungs with the breath of ecstasy. It filled my body with a throb, a high that intensified my orgasm. I would edge myself to the point of passing out sometimes.

I remember a time in my youth(about 9years ago) that I was severely depressed. I was unemployed. I was smoking pot. I was drinking. I was addicted to porn. My current boyfriend and I had a cozy 2 bedroom apartment. I would use the spare bedroom as my lair. It was my sex dungeon. I created a bad habit. I would stay up late, well past my boyfriends bedtime. I had it down to a science. I would watch 2 sitcoms smoking pot, maybe 4 joints would get me high. After the sitcoms ended, I would sit back in my bachelors chair, grab a drink, and put porn on the DVD player.  I had these DVDs that would play for 8hrs. It was heaven.  I would edge, toking in one hand and poppers in the other. I would edge for 1-2hours, working my cock with pot and poppers. Added to the fact that I would be hot boxing my room and my cock was restrained in a cock-ring I would have the most intense orgasm and shoot loads. It was a contest with myself to see how far I could shoot. At times I would jerk off and cum right away only to toke and stroke to porn until I was ready to blow a second time.

I would remember after blowing my loads and my head rolling back,  my eyes were shut and seeing colours and my body filling with this body chill. I would slowly freak out wondering what was happening to my body. It was the most intense body stone I would have. Even back then I felt like I was on the edge of something dangerous.  I then went to bed at 3am and slept in. I lived for bating my cock.

I did this for months. Then one fatal night, early in the night I had this most intense cough. It hurt. It felt like my lungs had separated from its connective tissue from my ribs and I blew a gasket. It hurt. The very next day I developed this huge thump in my chest and I gave up smoking pot. Just like that cold turkey.

My days of edging and putting myself in a frenzy were over.

Recently the Canadian Gov’t decided that the importation and sale of Poppers was illegal. Poppers soon became a high commodity in the gay black market. Everyone was out. No one could find any. Then out of the blue people started to sell them over craigslist, bars and some bathhouses would start to sell them under the table. The price doubled even tripled.  I would admit I too would buy them for an outrageous price.

Why not?

I love to jack my cock and fuck while sniffing poppers.

There was a time though that I knew better and tried to go off them when it was too difficult to find them. In my sex drawer where I store my condoms, lube, toys etc I have probably 12 or more used old bottles.

I have also suffered the consequences of poppers. I would sometimes get that rash, that skin burn under my nostrils, mostly one side than the other.  Certain Brands would contribute to it more than others and then sometimes it was just the age of the poppers that would contribute to my nose being burnt. A chemical burn to say the least. I would go through times in my life being questioned by coworkers what was wrong with my nose, family members would ask. I would always reply with it was a cold, I got burnt by steam from a facial steamer, etc. Whatever would take the attention away from me using poppers. It was hard but it always worked. My worst fear was that people would assume I sniffed the white stuff. I never did!! for the record.

I learned that sometimes I would chase the rush. I wanted to be fully poppered up when I blew my load which would lead to my head rush and my body feeling completely useless and unable to move after I bated for so long. This told me I was getting too old for this shit.

Why do I do it….Habit, addiction??

I know men who are older and have been doing it longer. Was it a bad thing? Will I succumb to some sort of cancer because of it? Will I die because of my bad habit? Does Health Canada know something they aren’t telling us ? Why are countries around the world finally after 4 or more decades now banning poppers?  Can I survive without them?  Can I relearn how to have enjoyable sex without them?

Who doesn’t love a good hit of the little brown inconspicuous bottle when your about to take 8 or more inches of raw cock?!! I do…Fuck, I am so tight, I rarely take it but when you meet that one guy who you just can’t resist but to try, they sure come in handy then.

I have met many people over the years who are against them, I have met some men who consider them a drug just as pot or coke are. That I do not understand. I have at one point in my life freely used them in the club dancing as well. They were making a comeback, I remember educating my straight friends to try them. It was all the rage once.

There is something to be said to walking into a room, a bathhouse, or a sex party and the first thing that hits your nose is the stench of raw poppers filling your body before you even see any skin….

Tired of Undetectables saying they can not infect me….

Yes, I know the science.

Yes, I know your Viral Load is low.

Yes, I know it is less of a risk.

Yes, I know Negative men are a greater threat.

To me…A Negative HIV man is only as negative as his sexual history in the last 6 weeks and he just runs out of the doctor’s office and heads to his fuck buddies. Thats as negative as you are going to get.

SO the same applies to a Positive Man who is undetectable. You are only as undetectable as your most recent blood work. Today’s modern science is not able to get to a lower level and we are working with what we know. You are only as undetectable in that ONE moment in time that Your blood was drawn.

You are only undetectable in  your blood sample only. Science clearly states that semen, vaginal secretions and anal mucous are different. Since we know that anal mucous has a higher concentrations and we currently do not test anal mucous for viral load I think it is foolish for undetectable men to be out there on their soap box on social media telling neg boys to com get it.

It is frustrating that I hear a lot from poz guys, it isn’t us! Sure negative men who are unknown of their actual Poz status are the ones spreading it but it is foolish and even criminal for some men to be fucking men because they are undetectable.  I would never have unprotected sex with a POZ guy on meds. WHY? Why would I take that risk ?

Risk is Risk!  There are too many variables.  What if I had some abrasions on my asshole or anal fissure I was unaware of because I strained the morning of? What if my gum inflammation was bad that day. What if I had an unknown STD in my urethra. What if….

You do not know that today you are undetectable. You may have a spike in your vial load and not know it.

I find the culture these days amongst gay men who are POZ on social media sites looking for sex seem to tout their status as an excuse to fuck…

You do not know the Viral load in your semen let alone your ass so stop trying to convince me that sex with you is safer than a negative man that I trust.

Also…I DO NOT WANT HIV…So when you message me and ask for sex and I decline and say,” sorry I don’t have sex with HIV positive men and I am only here for friends and or find a fuck buddy for my partner who is HIV POZ.” Don’t reply hastily and try to preach to me you are safe…YOU HAVE HIV…I do not want it..NO risk is no risk….

I want to be around for many many years to come to help take care of my partner for and if any health issues arise that I need to be there for him. That is my commitment. Not to be there for your sexual gratification.

Whether the “Russian Roulette of Life” combined with my “method” of weeding out bad seed*pardon the pun has spared me thus far  then I must be doing something right.

Who else would I have to blame if I contracted HIV from a dude who said he was undetectable and I engaged in insertive anal sex with him or mutual oral? ME and me alone! I do not want that risk.

So stop telling me to read the science. The science is there for everyone when you read ALL the science, not just the parts that suit your desires to get laid. There is still RISK. Not the risk I want to take…..

Is it a low risk, perhaps…but not a risk I want to take.

Luckily I do not live in a community/city that is large and where a lot of POZ men live and have to deal with bug chasers, gifters, stealthers…etc….I am sure a few are out there but not to the extent as a larger metropolitan area.

Birthdays?? Half Full or Half Empty? I am just Glad I got CUP!

In my life Birthdays have always been a day of joy.  A day of abundance. A day of love.  It is a day all about you. In my family it soon became a week long celebration. A week long anticipation.  It usually involved extra love that week, you could get away with more when you broke some rules, you did not have to do all your chores, it became a birthday party with your friends and then a party with your family, we would go out to eat one night. The day  after your birthday you would always be allowed to eat birthday cake for breakfast, then when aunts and uncles would make their way to the house you would get more gifts.

It was a great family tradition. We were blessed as a family as well because my Mother and Sister shared consecutive days. My father was 2 weeks after my birthday. My favourite cousin also shared my father’s birthday. My dad’s little brother also shared a birthday in the same week as mine.

We also took birthdays seriously. We may have had a father who worked shift work but he always made sure he was there for us. He would either be off for your birthday or at the very least work a night shift the night of your birthday so he would have the day with you.

We would always get the cake we wanted. We would always have the birthday supper we wanted.

I was always a little jealous or upset with my birthday secretly. I usually wanted to have a birthday party with my friends but because my birthday was so close to Halloween it was hard to get kids to come. We would usually have the birthday party on the weekend before or after my day. Kids would be invited to other parties so in order to make them come to mine I would have to make mine a Halloween party too. I hated to share my day with a “holiday”.  Not only that but as I got older and as all kids in their 20’s want to do is go out and drink. I then had to share my birthday night out with Halloween revellers.

I never dressed up for Halloween. I was anti dress up. It was my one day to look my best and I wanted to dress up with a good shirt, pants and a fresh haircut and shave.  I would get a lot of slack from other bar patrons. A lot of gays would come up to me and ask me why I was not dressed up and wonder what I was dressed up as. I would say me, An Older ME! I was cocky about it but I did not care. It was not until 2years ago my boyfriend and I dressed up as “Masked Mormons” We were a hit. Some people thought we really were Mormons and others thought it was sexy. It is every gay mans dream is to bed a Mormon. They are usually young, fit and cute….

Our family was one to always one to follow tradition too. I remember my birthday cake was always the same. I just liked it…My sister always had an ice cream cake from DQ.  My dad was not too picky to be honest. My mother was one to go from her favourited of Black Forrest Cherry Cake. My little brother was not pickey either as he was not one for baked good as it was.

I have never in my whole life worked on the day of my birth. I have always asked for it off and always if suggested I may work, put up a stink and inform my employer that I have never worked on my birthday, that and I always work the Christmas holiday as well as NYE and other holidays.  My holiday was my birthday. My birthday is MY day…ALWAYS.

I have never really met anyone who did not like their birthday until I met my partner. My partner took many years to learn to appreciate his birthday.  It was very hard for me to accept he did not like birthdays and a fuss. He is one to not like a fuss.

There has been a few times in the beginning years that we did not always celebrate together. I would have some time with him on his birthday but it was not for many years that it dawned on me that it was my responsibility to take care of him on his day.

He soon learned to take time off for his birthday and to make it all about him, to go out to eat at a place he likes, get himself a birthday and to make himself a cake if no-one else was making him a cake.

I am thankful that he now loves his birthday.  Though this year he made a point of asking not to make a fuss of it. Understandably so. This year he gave me a budget of 20 dollars to get a gift and did not want a fuss at all.  Being a few months after his diagnosis he was not really in celebrating mood. This year we also went to my home city to be with family for my niece and nephews combined birthday party! OH!! did I not mention that as well, Ya my Niece was 2 this year and her birthday was September 1st, her older brother, my Nephew was 4!! He is born on the 15th…SO my partner was smack dab in the middle.  SO we had fun celebrating kids birthdays.  We did go out as a family for supper. We then went onto my brothers place for pie…for my bfs birthday dessert.

It was low key with a small fuss.

Now it is my Birthday tomorrow.  I have been very emotional this month. I usually get very contimplative and wonder what it is all about.  I also get supper horny in October. I usually whore around in late September and October. BUT this year was a bit different as I had other stuff on my mind.

I find it hard to ask my boyfriend to make a fuss over me, I want a fuss, I like grande expressions of love and abundance for my birthday.  I will admit that since my late 30s and now 40 and tomorrow 41, that has subdued a bit but….I also feel guilty to ask my partner to do so much for me as we had a low key day for him.

Last year for my 40th we went to Mexico! A gorgeous 5star resort. We were spoiled and had a terrific time. We booked that trip the day after my bfs bday last year and was a great time last year.  We got the travel bug so badly that we booked a second Mexico trip when we got back from our first trip.

SO, here we are…The day before my 41st birthday and I am at a cross roads.  I have been sad a lot and thinking to myself that I am actually confused.

I was so hoping to meet with my therapist on Thursday to discuss some of my confusion but she called in sick. She called me today and asked if I wanted to come in. But being the day before my birthday I did not want to stir the pot and be emotional as well as she was sick and did not want to risk catching something

Birthdays lately have become a reminder that “hey, your life is half over…”  That is to say if I am lucky to life until I am 80ish. If I follow the path my ancestors have had, my life is 3/4 over. As they all died in their late 60s and early 70s.  That is sad.

It makes me sad. It makes me reflect on what I have accomplished. I see myself seeing young folk and wish I was young again. Wishing I was in high school, wishing I was in university, wishing I was in my 20s and foolish to just jump off a train and land in the mid west and take any old job just to survive.

BUT if I wish all those things I would not be who I am now.  I was not that sort of person then so why would I want to be another kind of person If I kinda actually like who I am now. Or do I?

We all wish we made smarter choices or different choices.  We did what we could do with what we knew at the time to make those choices. I have never really done anything wrong or seriously erroneous to make my life harder or miserable.

I turned out ok. Acceptance is a word that one could remember more often when we turn another year older. It is a word that I think of often. Is being subdued just a form of acceptance or is a symptom of giving up?

As I sit here at my local Starbucks drinking my over priced sugar and soy concoction I am left to my thoughts and randomness of kindness and I receive and give smiles. I was about to be cranky to my barista for making my drink an 1.5″ short on soy…I want my moneys worth but figured, at least I got a cup….

So happy birthday to all you October Babies and Scorpios.

It is an odd birthday as I am no longer the man I was and unsure of the Man I will be.

Bathhouse Boundaries

Bath-Houses-Saunas-Men’sClubs

They come in many shapes and sizes. I have only ever been in 2 individual establishments in my whole life. I started early. I was only 20 when I went to my first bathhouse.

I have never been to one in a big city. Always dreamed of it. Always thought it would be more fun and a lot more to digest.

In my small city of 414,000 people in the surrounding area makes it a small community. It is hardly big enough for a good mix of people. It is hard to really go without seeing the same people over and over again. It is a city that is, what’s the word, has a negative attitude towards sex, amongst the gay community.

When you visit the social media hookup sites, such as Manhunt, Squirt, Grindr, barebackrt, amongst others you see a lot of men.  However, you also see a trend of men putting off hooking up with status lines such as,” not into hookups”, “here for friends”, ” don’t message me if you are this and this and this”, “must have a face pic to chat”. I do not go to the bars nearly as much as I use too. When I go, about once a year, pride, hween or another special event YOU always see men on their grindr trying to see who is there. You always see manhunt men hanging with other likeminded, built men…

The days of anonymous sex are nearly dead. That is unless you go to a bathhouse.

I have found that hookup sites use to be very anonymous and hardly contained face pictures and men still found a way to hookup.  Gee, even in the days of phone line chat rooms and message boards men found a way to hook up.

Now men seem to only hookup anonymously if they happen to pre-meet online then go to a public place.  Men want an instantaneous, sure thing.

The younger generation who have has always thrown caution to the wind and posted everything about themselves online soon made us older guys want to catch up and play the young mans game.  Hooking up then became a thing of shame.  With the previously mentioned status lines men say they are not hooking up, or not here for sex but indeed we are all there for a connection. Whether you are there to meet someone or to fuck, at some point you will have sex, so if it takes you 20mins or 2days or 2weeks to get the nerve to meet someone you still are so whats with the “slut shaming”?

SO this brings us to the bathhouses.  In my city there have only ever been 2 baths. Neither of them operated at the same time of each other. One was open for 20years or so and closed then the second one opened.

When I first discovered the first bathhouse it was called “The APPLE Sauna”. *NAME CHANGED TO PROTECT IDENTITY.

It was tucked away into an old building with a front door, sidewalk entrance. No sign to distinguish it from any other business. It had odd operating hours and was fitting in nicely into the popular streetscape.

I made my first appearance there with hesitation. So unsure what to expect. I knew the general idea and what went on there.

APPLE was stuck in the past.  It looked like something out of old Hollywood.  A hospital pale green paint job, old 70’s male porn star model pictures in frames on the walls combined with roman’esq decor.  Painted roman columns, roman bust forms etc.  It was eerily creepy. It was set up like this: walk in front door, came to a gated window, something you would see in a casino, an older man who would greet you ask what he could do for you, you paid, buzzed you in, you walked up a few stairs to a tv lounge area, several seats, magazine racks, and a few private rooms, then a set of stairs which let downstairs where lockers, a sauna*big enough for maybe 4 people and showers. It was very dark and claustrophobic.

It was never busy there. I think the most men I saw at any given time was 5. Always older men. I did have a couple guys my age show up. It was always awkward as men who follow you around.  The magazines were always old, from the 80s early 90s.

I am unsure how often I was there but I would say maybe 10times.

I do have a sad story about my first ever visit. But that is another post.

The second bathhouse that opened was called “SEASTARS” *NAME CHANGED TO PROTECT IDENTITY. It was on a busy main street in our city. A little run down but an up and coming street. It was very popular in the days and it was always busy when I was there and always a good time. It had a sauna, a hot tub and lots of porn playing as well as a dark room to play in. It was small. You could easily find 20-30guys there on a busy night at one time. For a small location it seemed busy as you were always in the way of some guy wanting to walk by.  The had a main floor only for awhile which had lockers and rooms. It was dimly lite and provided a horny atmosphere.

This second bathhouse soon grew in popularity and would soon expand to the bottom floor and incorporate more rooms and lockers, a common area with tvs as well as a large dark room with wrought iron cage walls to provide a maze effect to the room which also had a sling area and a glory hole set up.

On a busy night you could have 5guys in the sauna fucking around, 3-6guys in the hot tub talking or groping each other, a few men in the small dark room and 10guys or more in the basement and 4-6guys at the sling. It was a good time…Red lights to find your way around following the moans and groans of horny fuckers.

This place had it’s ups and downs. It went from very busy to very slow. SEASTARS changed ownership 3times.  Now it is hardly able to stay afloat relying on the gay bar across the street to keep it busy.  The owner of the gay bar owns the bathhouse as well.

I am unsure how many men I met there but I met men of all walks of life.  Hot men who are tall model built dream boats to the average chub. Twinks to Brick Shit Houses, Cumdumps to anal up tight snobs. Military men on course, Navy men who are in port!!  Every sort goes there. There is no bathhouse type. If you are willing and horny, you will find him there. Of course, it would be hard to find that diamond in the rough of a man we are all looking for.  We all wait for the newbie…We all chase him…We all want a taste.

This bathhouse has now been around so long it smells like mildew and seems like a health risk, it stinks, its soppy and the hot tub is questionable at best as an std stew(granted you can not catch an std but you could go home with a rash at the very least).  The cedar planks that are in the sauna itself are blackened with sweat and semen that I would never sit on it directly. The wood must be 15years old if not older. The carpet has since been removed as that was so comprised it was like tile to walk on. The corners of the floors that  meet the walls are stained…It is just gross. If you just want to go for fun, go when the lights are down and have a good stiff drink before you go.

The dark room is fun but be careful not to be stealthed. Many men will slide their cocks into your ass without even a mutter of a word…Men just assume that any ass there is free game for a breeding. I am sure that is the case in the bigger cities as well. I have seen many time a man bend over to suck and a man would walk up behind him and try to breed him.

I have never been in a big city bath house but from the pictures I have seen of the establishments it seems cleaner and more modern.

I love going to the bathhouse. The prices have gone up over the years and makes it less desirable to go but when the stars align and it’s a good night I am glad I went.

If you are a cocksucker and love cock down your throat then you will have a good time. If you are picky or serosorting then you could have a good time. It is hard to justify 25 for a locker for a 2-4hour stay….When no-one is there, the place smells and the porn is half good at best. Especially in the winter in the basement and ur cock can’t get hard due to the chill.

I tend to be the sort of man who goes for a few hours. I like to time it. I like to be there just before one busy time, stick it out and stay until the next group of men show up. If I get a room it gives me a moment to hide out if I do not care for the clientele and it allows me time to rest.

In a small city you always have your regulars. Sometimes it makes it more difficult to get laid as you are chasing the same guys. I can count off probably 10-15 core customers and at any given time when it is busy you have 5 of them.  They can be a turn off as they seem to gravitate to each other to socialize.  It is always a hive for HIV positive men have nowheres to go to have sex as they have been shamed in our small city and everyone seems to think they “know” people.

Sometimes you know who has HIV because people whisper to each other there. They seem to think they are doing you a favour by revealing someone else’s status like this.” Hey I saw you talking or chasing that guy, he has HIV, be careful.” It is sad that happens but at the same time one would be thankful as I have seen one particular man who is well known to have HIV easily and without caution or disclosure to others suck off unknowing men who are on the search for a blowjob.  Little do they know a man with HIV has just done the deed.  Even though I have never seen him top or bottom he is a cock hungry man who would go a lot. I would never play with him, again.*that is another story.

In our small city, people seem to make judgements on others by simply thinking they know you by other peoples word.  If you chat to someone online be sure that that person has already asked his “friends” and his online chat buddies if they know you. It is such a shallow and simple community here. People slut shame you because when you clearly state that you want to find an anon hookup they simply chat to you to find out who you are then stop once they get a face pic. Just men being nosey.  Sad state of affairs but that is how it is.

I am the type that likes little talk. I like action. If there is no action to be had I would rather sit in silence and enjoy myself. Porn playing, watching tv, or just admiring the older fit men who walk around with their cocks poking out of their towels.

I have made friends with a few of the workers. If you go often enough and you are the only one there sometimes the only thing to do is to talk to them.

I have been stone cold sober, buzzed, high(on pot only), and drunk there or even a combination.  Sometimes it seemed like the only way to cope with the crowd.

I find it funny when I read some of the social media websites that have cruise listings for the bathhouse here in town. People post messages asking if it is busy there, when is a good time to go, how many people are there, or “hey i saw u there, gives a description, and asks the general site if he is there” Chances are…most men in my experience do not go on sites and go to the bathhouse.

Our bathhouse caters to a very very small percentage of the population. People are so ashamed to even; 1. be seen going to a gay bar, 2. being with another gay in public as people may assume you are gay by the company you keep, 3. are anti hookup as it is would never be seen walking into a bathhouse, 4. afraid that they would “know” someone at the bathhouse and be afraid they would be outted.

I have noticed that the people in our city who have wanted to go to the local bathhouse have done so already, have made their judgement of it and have gone back or stayed away, the others have never gone from shame and pre judgements and lastly out of towners keep the place afloat.

We all love the out of towners, they are there for a purpose….The ones who either stay the weekend and get as many loads as possible or come in, get off and leave.

I am a proponent of “do the deed and do your duty to suck off or be sucked off by an older man”.  I do not go out of my way to follow my words but if the right man strikes me as a possible hookup age isn’t a factor. If you are not using a cane and can get hard, sure, lets go at it….A mouth is a mouth, even in a dark room.

That is not to say that, I once, followed a twinkish guy downstairs, found him in the corner of the dark room. Only lit  by the red light of the emergency exit. He had a smooth hot body, I touched his rock hard chest and followed my hand down to his stomach and reaching for his crotch to find a hot boy cock. BUT to my surprise he had on underwear under his towel.  There was no BULGE??? He had on smooth panties and a cunt. I touched my first pussy, over panties but still…..

SIGHS….

that is my story for now