Poz’itivity Down the Hatch…

The other day I was at work and I was getting very horny. I started to think how much cock my poz boyfriend has been getting and was thinking,” if they can suck his cock, why can’t i?”

So I texted my boyfriend and said, get home as soon as you can and I will be home by 5:20pm. I got home before him and stripped down and climbed into bed with a ragging hard on.

I tried to pretend I was sleeping when he found me in bed and I listened as he stripped off. He climbed into bed and started to kiss my neck and rub his hard cock into my crotch. I turned around and got close enough that our cocks were rubbing and grinding as we made out.

I asked if I could suck his cock and then threw the covers down and asked him to take an active role. He got up on his knees and told me,” suck my dick!” He was very assertive and began to fuck my  throat with vigour and passion.

HE fucked my mouth any way he wanted. He was verbal, moaned and sighed as I swallowed his thick cock.

I started to taste and feel the precum oozing out of his cock and lingering around his foreskin. It began to create a bit of anxiety for me and I paused and told him I could taste it and then he came down to kiss me and take it from my mouth.

He then stuck his thumb down my throat and opened my mouth more. He feed me his shaft and told me to keep sucking.

I sucked and sucked his meat until his hips were pumping my forehead. I had to brace myself with a pillow. HE then too a breather and asked if we wanted to jerk off. He knew I didn’t want him to blow in my mouth so it was a natural ending.

We laid back, grabbed our cocks and beat them ferociously until he blew first then He leaned over and started to moan and whisper in my ear and I blew all over me and his side.

He went to clean up and I shortly joined him in the washroom. I said I was a bit anxious about having that much precum in my mouth. I shared with him my thoughts. I said I understood the science and all but it was still so new to us and me. I said I wasn’t expecting anything from him but an open ear and mind.

I think. If he can have  a guy come over, who knows his status, still fucks him bareback and is fine with it because he said he knew the risks….Then why can’t I just take a little cock down my throat.

 

Sunny Disposition ….I smile for cum!

Here I am. Can you see me? Can you hear me? No, that is good. I want to be anonymous.  So many men, boys and ladyboys want to know who you are when you are on social media like Grindr, Manhunt, Squirt. ” Do you got a pic, brah?” it drives me crazy.  Maybe I am a creature of habit, maybe I am too old for this hook up game. Maybe I am not getting it. I like the days when you could hide in a stall and tap your foot or look for the other dudes shadow going back and forth to know if he is cruising. I like the days where you can hide in the shadows of a park and wait for some man to walk by and tug at his crotch. It did not matter what you looked like for the most part. It was dark, you had your cock out and you were ready and willing to anyone who was ready to get you off.

Now everything has to meet a preconceived checklist. The newest app on the market is in the underground until more and more socially retarded single faggots join and then change the dynamic. Anonymous fucking is dead. You need to see what he looks like, his stats, his into, his time frames, what social circle he may run in to ensure you may be compatible. What is there to be compatible about. It’s just sex. If it isn’t just sex, one of the two are being dishonest with themselves.

So where does this leave me. I am in the cruising market. I am ready to blow a load. I am scared, I am nervous, I am anxious and horny as fuck.

I have made a few connections. I have had my blood work done since, I have told my partner that I have played. I have had some anonymous hookups, I had been to the bathhouse, I have been to the public washroom, I have had someone over at the house.

So where does this leave me. Guilt, shame and wanting more. I have had a really bad cold, I have had a herpes breakout, aka a cold sore, since I was 16yrs old. It is a badge of shame for sure but I kept up with it and put it back in its place.

I have been fortunate enough that my partner has been honest and shared his willingness to jump back into the hookup game. He has been with 4 different guys and one of them 2x.

I joined in on 3 of them where as the others I hid in the closet watching through the closet door crack. It was amazing. I also had the voyeuristic eye to watch him breed a dude who is also undetectable(even though he never said he was nor does he know bf is).

It is hot as hell to watch my boyfriend top. It is equally hot to watch him service hot hung daddies. I also like watching him take a load of cum to the face.

Boyfriend has had one guy breed him and he took his load deep in his ass. This guy knew he was undetectable but made the choice to top him anyway. It was soon hot. The daddy top ever knew I was watching from the closet. I did join in the second time they hooked up.

My boyfriend was in a service mood for sure.

My boyfriend and I took a boy home from Grindr. We met up with him at a local pub and fed him a couple drinks then took him back to the house. This boy claims he is on prep and wants seed. He is a cum hungry pig slut bottom. I hooked up with him once before and knew he was the boy I wanted my boyfriend to be breeding buddies with. So I introduced them and we all slept in the same bed.

However the boy was too drunk to play. Passing in and out of consciousness. He was a bit of a headache actually. I woke up in the middle of the night pretending to sleep as I was listening and watching with one eye my boyfriend trying to breed this slut. But the slut kept on pushing him off saying he was too tired.

Morning came and he and the boyfriend had some hot oral before boyfriend took off to work and then I bred this boys ass twice. Dumping my load hoping he would keep my load in their for the day so Bf could  use it as lube later. That never happened.

There is nothing better than having a slut beg for your seed. Begging for it.

So….This threesome boyfriend and I had with the man who knew bfs status. This guy did not know we were boyfriends but just friends, I pretended I was from out of town.

This guy the first time they hooked up lasted all of 2mins inside his ass before he seeded him. So I figured it would be a quick hookup. I was able to eat this daddies ass and breed him before he took a turn on the boyfriend. I came too quickly of course watching boyfriend sucking his hung cock at the same time put me over the edge.

I then took a back seat and watched boyfriend and him fool around. This guy was into kink, he wanted me to eat my seed out of his ass. He wanted to use a sounding tube on his cock, he put on a oxballs cockring on his cock and used some sort of warming cream on his balls as I finger fucked him and boyfriend sucked his cock with the sounding tube down his shaft. It was a hot time. Was a little longer than I anticipated. But fun…

He asked to stick around and have a glass of wine to chat. So we chatted. Making up lies as we went along to make it seem we were just friends. He had said in a Manhunt chat that he wasn’t into group sex with couples so….

Another guy that the boyfriend fucked around with as I watched from the closet was an amazing daddy, fit, muscles, friendly, handsome and hung as fuck, he stayed so fucking hard his veins were popping the entire time they were fooling around.

One thing I have noticed with hung daddies especially those who lie their age is they want more romance than just fucking around.  He was all into kissing and taking his time. There was one moment where boyfriend was straddling his chest and fucking his mouth that the daddy shifted him down to his crotch and started to play with boyfriends hole with his raw precummy cock. He poked his knob around his hole wanting to breed him. He was determined to get it in. I was very very anxious and scared that he was going to breed him without knowing boyfriend was undetectable. Boyfriend had condoms ready but the dude never reached for one. Boyfriend rode his rod against his crotch teasing him, watching the precum drip down his shaft before bf crawled off and said,” not tonight”.

Sighs…I am hard as a rock sitting here in the coffee shop reliving this moment. They keep chatting and trying to arrange a second hookup. Boyfriend really wants too but is also hesitant because this daddy has already expressed interest and has verbalized its more than a hookup, he wants to stay the night etc and cuddle sessions. Boyfriend just wants a fuck ready daddy.

I joined boyfriend in a threesome with a guy. I joined in a session watching him breed and pound the shit out of a hung bottom. He hooked up with this guy pre diagnosis as well. It is interesting that this bottom since their last hook up before diagnosis has also now become infected.

That is in itself a whole new blog entry but….How hot is it to watch to poz men just go at it no holds bar. more to come…

I have confessed to boyfriend I have had a few hookups on the side. One I video tapped and showed him, the other I told him about because he knew I had been with this guy before in our old apartment. The guy I had videotaped is……well I think I want to make a whole complete blog about it in detail. I want to watch the video with headphones on so I can dictate every single detail for you sluts who read this shit to get off.

As for the guy I have been with a few times. He is just some middle aged, short, bottom slut.  He walks in, gets undressed, gets on all fours ass spread and lubed up, I then enter the bedroom from the bathroom and walk up, kick his legs apart and slide my raw cock into his hole as I feed him poppers. I breed him, step away, blow my load on his hole then push it back in then kick him out.

Thats all it is, just a hole to blow in.

Now….Why do I breed? I don’t know. I just like the wet warm feeling wrapped around my shaft and feeling my seed spew all over and plaster a willing mans asshole.

With that being said I was fearful once I had contracted “it”. More so It was just a bad cold…A man cold of course…The side effect of being an anxious person who’s boyfriend has HIV its always on my mind.

If I keep this up at some point it could be inevitable that I could contract it if I keep fucking guys raw. That would make me very sad and my boyfriend angry. I mean I will breed guys who I don’t know their status but I won’t fuck him. A guy who knows his status will still breed him but I won’t.?!?!! I am sure that can add to the mental confusion to it all.

I have more luck with men on Craigslist then I do on Manhunt, Squirt and Grindr. Those sites are boring and for the masses. Everyone thinks they know someone or someone knows someone who has fucked so and so….I don’t have time for that. The men on craigslist are more intense. Discrete and it helps keep the distance.

I will admit the daddy that the boyfriend was fucking around with who almost slide his raw shaft deep into his tight eager hole was a man from Manhunt who I have always wanted to service but I am not his type. So it is nice to live vicariously through boyfriend. Watching the both of them getting what they want from the hookup. Meanwhile I am still getting what I want. I love to watch men fuck….The sounds, the smell the dim lights bouncing off the muscle, the ass….I love the smell of poppers and sweaty ass fill the room.

Here I am. sitting in the coffee shop waiting to watch my numbers climb as all you pig sluts want more. Feel free to email me, chat me or share what you want to hear from me.

 

A positive Oral Experience , now what….

It has been  281 days, 11hours, 17mins since his diagnosis. We have had many sexual encounters. Most of which are jack off sessions. Some mutual jacking off, a few deep kisses, nipple and intense ear & neck kissing with sexual whispers. I have used a toy on his ass, he has used a toy on his ass. We have had good Edging sessions as we watching TMI porn.

I have rimmed him once, I have shared few deep tongue kisses, I have even since provided some limited oral.

Within the last 2-3 weeks we had been drinking we got very horny and it resulted in me fucking him hard and deep with a condom of course. I only did it for a few minutes as I had a sense he was feeling awkward. At this moment I am a bit foggy as to how our escapade ended but I know how it started. He was feeling submissive, he asked me to climb ontop of him as he laid on his belly. It progressed from there to me eating his ass with the utmost pleasure and aggression.

There have been a few times were I have licked his cock, I have put his cock in my mouth and at times I had been anxious. It is new. It is different. It feels like I am an unsure 20yr old who is still preoccupied with contracting HIV.

This morning we had our usual cuddles. I felt his cock hard as a rock. We had some good firm hand grasps, we traded turns spooning as to feel the others cock near our asses.

I asked him on a scale of 1-10. 10 being He was ready to blow to 1 being he wanted to cry. He replied that he was an 8! Ready Set Go…

I fingered him a little bit. I could tell….I rolled him on his belly and got on top, I dry humped him to see how receptive he was. I was so close to grab a condom and just fuck him silly. I tongue fucked him a couple times.  I then rolled him over and climbed up on his chest and told him what to do. He was a good boy. He stuck out his tongue and I slapped my cock against his face, I forced his mouth open and plunged my cock down his throat a few times, he sucked it a bit more then I laid down beside him. He then got up on all fours and sucked me off. I fingered his ass a bit as he serviced my cock. It felt so good. It had been forever since I had a mouth on my shaft. I was a bit anxious for contraction. Jesus some ignorant HIV positive men like Danny Pintauro-Tabares said he contracted it from oral. It seems so unlikely to contract it that way. Possible but less common.

I had other HIV positive guys suck me off b4 and never thought twice about it. I have had sucked off a few too I am sure and never even knew about it.

This was different. I wanted it. He wanted it. I felt like he needed it more than me to feel whole again. To release his inner cocksucker. To feed him his first seed in over 10months.

It was an amazing blowjob. I then took over and jacked off as his lips were mere centimetres away. Once I started to shoot he went down on me and ate up as much as he could. I felt so food that I was able to give him his first seed in 10months. Hoping that it would inspire him to want more, ask for more, take his first hung daddy cock that he has been fantasizing for weeks now.

It was now his turn to blow. He was on his knees jacking away, spitting on his cock and ferriously tugging away at it wanting to provide me with a load all over myself and again providing him sense of normalcy.

Alas he was unable to blow a load, his anxieties got the best of him and he collapsed beside me and we cuddled. Providing him with some comfort that it was fine. I have had those moments too so it was no big deal.

Was it weird, absolutely. Was it awkward, absolutely. Was it awesome, yes. Do I want it to happen again, sure. Does it feel unsafe and risky, a little bit.

I trust that his blood work is still undetectable. But here we are. It is done….

 

ANNIVERSARIES, 15 IN ALL….

YESTERDAY WAS OUR 15TH ANNIVERSARY.

IT WAS A TIME OF MIXED EMOTION. AT TIMES I FORGOT EVEN OF HIS STATUS.

THE THOUGHT DID CREEP IN A FEW TIMES AND MADE ME SAD. OVERALL IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL DAY.

THE DAY STARTED WITH CUDDLES AND MASSAGING. WE HAD OUR REGULAR GREEN SMOOTHIE AND TEA AND GOT DRESSED TO HEAD TO THE MOVIES.  IT WAS A DATE!

WE SAT DOWN AND GAVE EACH OTHER A CARD. WE GIGGLED AND SMILED AND HAD TEARS IN OUR EYES AS WE SHARED OUR LOVE. THE DAY MOVED ON AND WITH ANTICIPATION.

I FEEL SINCE DIAGNOISS THAT HE HAS BEEN OVER COMPENSATING WITH GIFTS. I UNDERSTAND WHY BUT IT ISN’T NECESSARY. I APPRECIATE IT AND I LOVE HIS JOYOUS SMILE WHEN HE ANTICIPATES MY LOOK OF SURPRISE WHEN I SEE WHAT HAS BEEN GIFTED TO ME.

WE MADE OUR WAY TO THE THEATRE TO WATCH THE EPIC “STAR WARS-THE FORCE AWAKENS”.

WE HAVE A CERTAIN UNSPOKEN BOND. WE MET IN THE BITTER COLD NIGHTS OF JANUARY 15YEARS AGO. OUR RELATIONSHIP IS BASED ON COLD WINTERS WALKS AND FREEZING TOES. OUR RELATIONSHIP IS CEMENTED WITH FRIGID TEMPERATURES.

IT HAS MADE US STRONG AND UNWAVERING IN OUR LOIVE.  WE HAD OUR STRUGGLES. WE HAD OUR MOMENTS BUT WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT. IT IS A BOND I STILL THINK TO THIS DAY I AM UNABLE TO VOCALIZE.

MANY THINGS HAVE HAPPENED TO US. TO ME. TO HIM. THIS NEW CHAPTER PARTICULARLY SINCE IT IS NOW LIFE CHANGING.

WE HAD SUCH A GREAT TIME. SHARING GLANCES. CRYING AT THE SAME MOMENTS IN THE MOVIE. LAUGHING AT THE SAME TIME AND IN SHOCK AND AWW WHEN AN EPIC MOMENT WAS REVEALED IN THE MOVIE.

WE FINISHED THE MOVIE LIKE WE ALWAYS DO. WE SIT THROUGH THE WHOLE MOVIE INCLUDING CREDITS. WE LIKE TO STAY UNTIL THE END. WE WATCH THE CREDITS, TALK ABOUT THE MOVIE, LISTEN TO THE SOUNDTRACK. SOMETIMES WE WANT TO KNOW WHERE IT WAS FILMED, WHAT ARTISTS CONTRIBUTED TO THE SOUNDTRACK.

WHEN THE MOVIE WAS OVER WE LEFT AND WENT WINDOW SHOPPING FOR OUR NEW APARTMENT LOFT. IT IS NICE TO DAY DREAM. NICE TO SHARE OUR DISLIKES AND LIKES OF A PARTICULAR PIECE OF FURNITURE OR DECOR.

WE MADE OUR WAY HOME TO CHANGE AND GET READY TO HEAD OUT FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY SUPPER.

AS WE WERE GETTING READY TO GO OUT FOR SUPPER WE DECIDED TO EXCHANGE GIFTS. I FELT SILLY THAT I HAD NOT WRAPPED MY GIFT FOR HIM. MONOGRAMED INITIALS ON COFFEE MUGS.  THEY WERE VERY HANDSOME. CRISP WHITE AND A STYLISH BLACK INTIAL FOR EACH OF US. MEANWHILE HIS BEAUTIFULLY WRAPPED GIFTS WERE AWAITING MY HANDS TO TEAR APART THE PAPER TO DISCOVER WHAT WAS INSIDE. A CUTE LOVING SILLY GIFT. A BOXED ENVELOPE WITH THE WORDS,” FULL OF LOVE” I TOOK THE SLEEVE OFF AND SAW THE BOOK. I OPENED THE BOOK AND VALENTINES DAY LIKE GLITTER SHAPES FELL OUT. IT WAS A FAUX BOOK WITH THE INSIDE CUT OUT TO HIDE LITTLE TREASURES.  I LOVED IT. I ALWAYS WANTED ONE. THE SECOND GIFT I STARTED TO OPEN. I DISCOVERED IT WAS FROM A HIGHER END STORE AND STARTED TO FEEL SAD AND HAPPY. I FELT MY CHEAP OLD MUGS WERE NOT IN ANY COMPARISON TO HIS. I CONTINUED TO OPEN IT. IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL HAND CRAFTED CRYSTAL ORNAMENT. ABOUT THE SIZE OF A SMALL APPLE. WITHIN THE CRYSTAL WAS A CLOCK. HE COMBINED THE TRADITIONAL AND MODERN GIFT OF 15TH ANNIVERSARY. IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I THINK I HAD EVEN GOTTEN A GROWNUP GIFT. I CRIED EXTENSIVELY. THE THOUGHT AND LOVE BEHIND THE GIFT WAS TOUCHING MY CORE. HERE WE WERE TWO GROWN MEN. WE STARTED OUT AS BOYS. WE STARTED OUT UNKNOWINGLY ATTRACTED TO EACH OTHER. WE GREW TOGETHER.  TEARS ASIDE IT WAS TIME TO GO. TIME TO FACE THE BITTER COLD OF WINTER.

IT WAS FREEZING COLD. I WAS FRETTING OVER WHERE TO GO FOR SUPPER AS IT WAS MY TURN TO PICK.  WE WENT TO A PLACE WE HAVE NEVER BEEN TO BEFORE AND DECIDED IT WAS TIME TO TRY THIS PLACE OUT. IT WAS NICE. WE HAD A GOOD TABLE AND A HOT SERVER, CHAD. A FIT MUSCULAR BLACK DUDE WHO WAS CHARMING AND FLIRTY EVEN THOUGH HE WAS STRAIGHT AND THE LIKE. HE KNEW HOW TO PLAY THE GAME. THE SERVICE WAS EXCEPTIONAL AND OUR MEAL WAS DELICIOUS. WE HAD SOME GOOD CONVERSATION. WE LOOKED BACK AT THE PAST AND LOOKED FORWARD WITH IDEAS AND LOVE.

WE PAID OUR BILL AND LEFT THE COZY RESTAURANT FOR THE BITTER DRY COLD AIR. WE STARTED TO WALK HOME. WE THEN RAN TO CATCH A BUS.  MISSED IT. WE THEN MADE OUR WAY TO THE FERRY.  IT WAS A GOOD WALK HOME, ROMANTIC AND SILLY. WE WALKED BY THE BUILDING WHICH WE WILL SOON OCCUPY. I COMPLAINED MOST OF THE WAY HOME AS THE LONG-JOHNS I PUT ON WERE RIPPING OUT MY LEG HAIR BY THE ROOTS WITH EVERY STEP I WAS TAKING.

WE MADE IT HOME. I WAS TIRED AND STUFFED. WE MADE OURSELVES COMFORTABLE AND CUDDLED ON THE COUCH. HE PUT NETFLIX ON AND WATCHED A STAND UP COMEDY. I FELL ASLEEP ON HIM AS PER COURSE. HE WOKE ME UP AND WE MADE OUR WAY TO BED. WE CUDDLED AND I DRIFTED OFF WITH LOVE IN MY HEART AND JOY IN MY SMILE.

GOOD NIGHT. SWEET DREAMS.

 

Words & Numbers = No Answers

190Days

16 Hours

0Minutes

20Seconds

SINCE WE FOUND OUT….

 

I feel much better now that I had.

He is lucky that the triumeq has been kind to his body.

He has had no visible, mental or other side effects.

Well none that we can tell.  He has been on the pills since October 8th 6am.

83 DAYS….

He has had some tiny pimple like issues around his mouth area, upper lip, not pimples but blister red blemish like. They come and go. He has periods of this.  This has happened since diagnosis but has only had a couple outbreaks since his pills. Unsure if it is related or just “who he is”

His only side effect is within 60mins of taking the pill which are cured with diet, he eats and they go away. I am happy and relieved that is all of the issues he has had.  As for bowel issues. He has always had issues so knowing if it is because of the pills or not is sort of irrelevant. He has always had bouts with his shit…He farts more. His shit stinks more…BUT who knows…

He has a rash the size of a Canadian One Dollar Coin on his left upper leg. It has grown.

Other than that……just the mental anguish he goes through in phases.

My side effects are  perpetual worry. Over the holidays I was sad a bit but happy. Full of love but also very aware of what has transpired over the last 7months.  December was full of Dr’s appointments.

We were eating supper last night and I was obviously getting emotional. He asked me why I was looking sad.  I opened up and was honest with him and said it was because of HIV thoughts. It would be a disservice to him and me if I just kept it inside and not be truthful why I was sad. I had been thinking of his diagnosis…That was the truth. HE smiled and said thank you and we continued with our night of movies and laughs.

 

 

 

UNDETECTABLE, almost…

What is a number. They say age is just a number. HIV status is just a number.  Time is just a series of numbers. Bank accounts are just numbers.

What is ONE.

What is undetectable…..

Close but no cigar?

SO….Here are some numbers for you….

June-  Boyfriend had a extremely High Viral Load. 1,000,000’s. That was within just a month of infection.

July’ish- 700,000 parts per millilitre

September 500,000 parts per millilitre

October 400,000 parts per millilitre

October 8th 2015, 6am- FIRST Pill of Triumeq

December 10th 2015- 21 parts per millilitre

UNDETECTABLE IS 20PPM OR LESS!!

SO…JUST SHY OF UNDETECTABLE…THAT IS REMARKABLY GOOD NEWS!

A lot of anxiety was leading up to that number.

Would the pills work? Was taking them at 6am worth it? Was eating better and reduction of alcohol worth it? Was going to bed worth it?

Now we have our answer. It was such a surreal moment.

Lots of tears.

We have become a little complacent. We started to live our lives.

We found a new place to live(move in date March2016), I got a new job, GrandMother died, Had a tiny small emotionally charged spat*first time since May2015 we had any sort of fight.(granted it was the day after grandmothers funeral).  Boyfriend started to see an ENT. Got him hooked up to a CPAP machine. It took 7months to get a psychologist to see him, He just had his first appointment just before Christmas. He has seen a Naturopath Dr 2x.

Now what??

 

TIMELINES

So much time has gone by since my last post.

I truly have no excuse other than a lack of commitment and structure to my life.

In October I applied for a job, got the job, 3weeks of intense training off site then thrown into the position sink or swim style. I am loving it!

I was fortunate enough that my partner stepped up to the plate and helped me deal with life’s daily routine. I am grateful. He wrote me little love notes every morning.  He made sure laundry was done.  He not only made supper nightly but also did the dishes as I absolved myself from all household chores to only fall into the abyss of self reflection of the days training and mentally shutting down.

He loved me. He cuddled me. He made sure I wanted or needed for anything. It helped me achieve my goals.  I had not worked since April. And before that I had only worked for 6months.

It was my time. I knew I had to get off my rocker and get out in life. I not only had to live my motto of be strong to be strong for him later. It involved me becoming a whole person.

I was not working. I was only bringing in $790 bucks a month from disability. Whereas he has HIV and is working. Worked through his seroconversion, his pills, the mental anguish, YET here I sit unable to get out in the world and contribute.

I wanted to work. I just had no idea what I was capable of. I felt a wave of positivity from my partners journey. I knew I could do it. An opportunity arose and I grabbed it and did my best.

I have been working full time since December 4th.

Daily I knew I wanted to write in my blog for you fellow readers but was so caught up in my new chapter I was unable to get ahold of what was happening let alone able to put it into words.

I generally prefer not to write at home. I like going to a coffee shop and being out in the world to allow influences and life inspire me to write. So here I sit. January 2nd 2016. A new year….

The next couple of months should be busy for me but I hope to achieve some sense of normalcy now that I have a months schedule I can pencil in some blogging time.

Much has happened for my partner and I’s path of positivity that I have been bursting at the seams to share. Now I have an opportunity.

Happy New Year!

HIV and the Common Cold

HIV and the Common Cold.

Both Virus’ both have their own stigmas.

Both have their enemies…

The Common Cold goes through the work place and sheltered and secretive germaphobes come out of the wood work. Germaphobes start to dictate to others how to live their life. Give suggestions to peers on how to combat the virus. Little empathy comes the way of the cold sufferer. People with a cold are shunned from engaging with their friends. Struggling to get their own work done. Waste paper baskets filling with crumbled yellowish tissues. The dry hack or sneeze echoes through the hallways and coffee rooms.

Coworkers begin to use their elbows to open doors, people avoid the sick. People will gossip about how rude it was for the Cold sufferer to even show up at work.

With my own experience of HIV ignorance and my exposure to it from others seems the same. People start to whisper about the infected. People will roll their eyes. People will be afraid to use common areas out of ignorance of HIV.

I have yet to fully experience ignorance or hate about my partners HIV infection however I am sure some day I will be exposed to it and I will have to deal with the sorrow and stigma of people living with HIV.

Whether it be at the bathhouse and my partner comes or not people will ask about him and wonder why he does not come with me anymore. Men who we use to fuck will start to ask how come we are not in the game anymore. People will ask what is wrong with my partner.

Now I have had my first experience of my partner being sick while having HIV. Four days ago he started to suffer from common cold symptoms. He had a sore throat, a tickle even. He had a stuffy nose and sinuses and  sneezing and coughing. The common cold came on fast and hard.

I knew one day we would have to deal with a common ailment and work our way through it and wonder if it was due to his weakened Immune System or just a cold as everybody gets.

The weird thing is my partner in the 15years I have been with him has hardly ever been sick. I can count on one hand how many times he has had a cold or flu. Actually, He has never had the flu. He is relatively a very very healthy man. He refrains from taking OTC meds for even headaches which he has rarely gotten.  It was actually headaches and clogged sinuses that made him worry he may have an HIV infection.

This first Cold was nothing for me. Did I worry, yes! Did I make a big deal about it, No! I did baby him the first two days. The first day he had off anyway due to a Dr. appointment. As soon as we got him home from the appointment I tucked him into bed with extra blankets made him some tea and gave him some fruit.

I then ran to the grocery store to pick up some remedies. I got him Cold FX, a cold/flu pill which for us is a miracle. I got him Zinc lozenges as well as some great fruit and veggies and some more tea.

I made sure he was well hydrated and made sure he was always drinking or having  fruit and chicken noodle soup every 2 hours. I was always reminding him to drink up, take his pills and vitamins.

One thing we learned as we went through this process is we have to look at OTC a little differently. We have to read labels and understand how they interact with HIV medications. We decided from the limited knowledge the medical community has on herbs and how they interact with HIV meds to not use the Zinc Lozenges. We did continue with the Cold FX and the multi vitamin.

Day 2 of his cold he called in sick with my strong recommendation. Day 3 he also called in sick and Day 4 which is today is his normal day off. The first 2 days I really did baby him and made sure the household was run smoothly and he asked for nothing. I always made sure he was able to rest and move about the house freely and able to enjoy the time to recover. My thinking was as this was his first cold with HIV that it would be a baseline to know how long it takes him to recover.

Today he still has a cough and seems congested but his energy level is higher. He has been getting a lot of sleep and eating very well and I love him to death. He had said earlier in his cold that it was a 7-8/10 as being intense and today being a 3-4/10.  He never once allowed his mind to go there. To go to the dark place of ” oh poor me I have HIV and I have a cold, this sucks.”

His energy level is up and he still has some symptoms but he is still suffering from sinus congestion. Which really he would have had anyway with or without HIV. He has always had sinus issues.

So how was our first attack of a common ailment. It was great. It went well.  I told him it was important for me and I think for him to actually have taken the time off work and see how this cold plays out in prime conditions. Without work interfering and draining his energy. He knows that to beat a cold it takes him 5days minimum to get to a level of functioning. To me it was a test. It was show him that his health matters. That as his first cold to show him how much work it is to get back on your feet and boost your immune system without work adding to the mix.

So when a cold hits him again he can make the choice. As previously he would go to work and it would drain him and it may take him a little longer to bounce back.

I think he is in a unique situation. That he is on his meds for 30days now and he has gotten a cold within that time. Was it due to a weakened immune system, who knows? We will never know. Does it matter, probably not. Is it important? I think so! WHY? Because it adds to a baseline. WE know How strong his body is. We know he is still a strong resilient man. He said he knew that his body knows what to do and trust his immune system. I think that is powerful that he knows that.

It is just a simple Common Cold but from a man who never got sick it is important.

In the past at the slightest sign of a scratchy throat or a tickle we would both take a triple dose of Cold FX.  We never got a cold!! WE strongly believe in our regiment to beat the cold. The reason we take a triple dose is this. The normal dosage is one pill 200mg once a day for maintenance up to a safe limit of . If you are sick you can take an extra strength formula. This formula is 300mg x6 a day, 1800mg! So what we did was this.

Day 1 3 200mg x 3 day= 1800day

Day 2 same

Day 3 2 200mg x 3 day= 1200mg

Day 4 same

Day 5 1 200mg x 3 day = 200mg

Day 6 1 200mg x 1 day – 200mg

We find when we do this we never ever get sick. We also cut out all refined sugars, grains, red meat, booze, dairy, and drink lots of water. We have tried and tested this method for 7years! We swear by it and would testify under oath that this product is a true and tested product that should be the standard to treating and preventing colds.

So here we are, one testimonial and our first Common Cold Mixed with HIV infection.

Poppered Out: an Ode to the Good Ole Days….

Am I too old for this shit?

This is a common mental  note I make after I spend some time jacking off when I use poppers as an enhancement to my edging sessions.

I have been using Poppers since I was 21. I had accidentally came across this phenomenon of gay culture. I remember visiting a gay bar for a Halloween event and I was dancing away and I noticed many gay boys dancing it up with lighters to their nose. I never thought much of it. Curious but not tempted. I remember a boy asking me if I wanted a huff. I declined after asking him what it was.

It was on my mind for several months. After leaving the big city back to where I was living I was laying in bed with my boyfriend at the time. We were talking about it. I told him the local sex shop was selling this liquid called Poppers and I wanted to try it. We agreed to try it. He went to shower and I ran to the local porn shop to buy a bottle of this heavenly substance.

I got back to the apartment and I ran into the bedroom to start our little sex party for two. It was amazing. We inhaled this euphoric liquid like it was our existence. We had a great time fucking.

Needless to say 20 years later I am still using it. I have always wanted it apart of my sex life. It was many years later that I started to hear rumblings on how it is not good for you.

20 years later I am now finding myself more cautious of its use. I love it. I love the feeling, I love the habit of edging my cock and raising my hand to my nose and taking a big huff filling my lungs with the breath of ecstasy. It filled my body with a throb, a high that intensified my orgasm. I would edge myself to the point of passing out sometimes.

I remember a time in my youth(about 9years ago) that I was severely depressed. I was unemployed. I was smoking pot. I was drinking. I was addicted to porn. My current boyfriend and I had a cozy 2 bedroom apartment. I would use the spare bedroom as my lair. It was my sex dungeon. I created a bad habit. I would stay up late, well past my boyfriends bedtime. I had it down to a science. I would watch 2 sitcoms smoking pot, maybe 4 joints would get me high. After the sitcoms ended, I would sit back in my bachelors chair, grab a drink, and put porn on the DVD player.  I had these DVDs that would play for 8hrs. It was heaven.  I would edge, toking in one hand and poppers in the other. I would edge for 1-2hours, working my cock with pot and poppers. Added to the fact that I would be hot boxing my room and my cock was restrained in a cock-ring I would have the most intense orgasm and shoot loads. It was a contest with myself to see how far I could shoot. At times I would jerk off and cum right away only to toke and stroke to porn until I was ready to blow a second time.

I would remember after blowing my loads and my head rolling back,  my eyes were shut and seeing colours and my body filling with this body chill. I would slowly freak out wondering what was happening to my body. It was the most intense body stone I would have. Even back then I felt like I was on the edge of something dangerous.  I then went to bed at 3am and slept in. I lived for bating my cock.

I did this for months. Then one fatal night, early in the night I had this most intense cough. It hurt. It felt like my lungs had separated from its connective tissue from my ribs and I blew a gasket. It hurt. The very next day I developed this huge thump in my chest and I gave up smoking pot. Just like that cold turkey.

My days of edging and putting myself in a frenzy were over.

Recently the Canadian Gov’t decided that the importation and sale of Poppers was illegal. Poppers soon became a high commodity in the gay black market. Everyone was out. No one could find any. Then out of the blue people started to sell them over craigslist, bars and some bathhouses would start to sell them under the table. The price doubled even tripled.  I would admit I too would buy them for an outrageous price.

Why not?

I love to jack my cock and fuck while sniffing poppers.

There was a time though that I knew better and tried to go off them when it was too difficult to find them. In my sex drawer where I store my condoms, lube, toys etc I have probably 12 or more used old bottles.

I have also suffered the consequences of poppers. I would sometimes get that rash, that skin burn under my nostrils, mostly one side than the other.  Certain Brands would contribute to it more than others and then sometimes it was just the age of the poppers that would contribute to my nose being burnt. A chemical burn to say the least. I would go through times in my life being questioned by coworkers what was wrong with my nose, family members would ask. I would always reply with it was a cold, I got burnt by steam from a facial steamer, etc. Whatever would take the attention away from me using poppers. It was hard but it always worked. My worst fear was that people would assume I sniffed the white stuff. I never did!! for the record.

I learned that sometimes I would chase the rush. I wanted to be fully poppered up when I blew my load which would lead to my head rush and my body feeling completely useless and unable to move after I bated for so long. This told me I was getting too old for this shit.

Why do I do it….Habit, addiction??

I know men who are older and have been doing it longer. Was it a bad thing? Will I succumb to some sort of cancer because of it? Will I die because of my bad habit? Does Health Canada know something they aren’t telling us ? Why are countries around the world finally after 4 or more decades now banning poppers?  Can I survive without them?  Can I relearn how to have enjoyable sex without them?

Who doesn’t love a good hit of the little brown inconspicuous bottle when your about to take 8 or more inches of raw cock?!! I do…Fuck, I am so tight, I rarely take it but when you meet that one guy who you just can’t resist but to try, they sure come in handy then.

I have met many people over the years who are against them, I have met some men who consider them a drug just as pot or coke are. That I do not understand. I have at one point in my life freely used them in the club dancing as well. They were making a comeback, I remember educating my straight friends to try them. It was all the rage once.

There is something to be said to walking into a room, a bathhouse, or a sex party and the first thing that hits your nose is the stench of raw poppers filling your body before you even see any skin….

Tired of Undetectables saying they can not infect me….

Yes, I know the science.

Yes, I know your Viral Load is low.

Yes, I know it is less of a risk.

Yes, I know Negative men are a greater threat.

To me…A Negative HIV man is only as negative as his sexual history in the last 6 weeks and he just runs out of the doctor’s office and heads to his fuck buddies. Thats as negative as you are going to get.

SO the same applies to a Positive Man who is undetectable. You are only as undetectable as your most recent blood work. Today’s modern science is not able to get to a lower level and we are working with what we know. You are only as undetectable in that ONE moment in time that Your blood was drawn.

You are only undetectable in  your blood sample only. Science clearly states that semen, vaginal secretions and anal mucous are different. Since we know that anal mucous has a higher concentrations and we currently do not test anal mucous for viral load I think it is foolish for undetectable men to be out there on their soap box on social media telling neg boys to com get it.

It is frustrating that I hear a lot from poz guys, it isn’t us! Sure negative men who are unknown of their actual Poz status are the ones spreading it but it is foolish and even criminal for some men to be fucking men because they are undetectable.  I would never have unprotected sex with a POZ guy on meds. WHY? Why would I take that risk ?

Risk is Risk!  There are too many variables.  What if I had some abrasions on my asshole or anal fissure I was unaware of because I strained the morning of? What if my gum inflammation was bad that day. What if I had an unknown STD in my urethra. What if….

You do not know that today you are undetectable. You may have a spike in your vial load and not know it.

I find the culture these days amongst gay men who are POZ on social media sites looking for sex seem to tout their status as an excuse to fuck…

You do not know the Viral load in your semen let alone your ass so stop trying to convince me that sex with you is safer than a negative man that I trust.

Also…I DO NOT WANT HIV…So when you message me and ask for sex and I decline and say,” sorry I don’t have sex with HIV positive men and I am only here for friends and or find a fuck buddy for my partner who is HIV POZ.” Don’t reply hastily and try to preach to me you are safe…YOU HAVE HIV…I do not want it..NO risk is no risk….

I want to be around for many many years to come to help take care of my partner for and if any health issues arise that I need to be there for him. That is my commitment. Not to be there for your sexual gratification.

Whether the “Russian Roulette of Life” combined with my “method” of weeding out bad seed*pardon the pun has spared me thus far  then I must be doing something right.

Who else would I have to blame if I contracted HIV from a dude who said he was undetectable and I engaged in insertive anal sex with him or mutual oral? ME and me alone! I do not want that risk.

So stop telling me to read the science. The science is there for everyone when you read ALL the science, not just the parts that suit your desires to get laid. There is still RISK. Not the risk I want to take…..

Is it a low risk, perhaps…but not a risk I want to take.

Luckily I do not live in a community/city that is large and where a lot of POZ men live and have to deal with bug chasers, gifters, stealthers…etc….I am sure a few are out there but not to the extent as a larger metropolitan area.