A positive Oral Experience , now what….

It has been  281 days, 11hours, 17mins since his diagnosis. We have had many sexual encounters. Most of which are jack off sessions. Some mutual jacking off, a few deep kisses, nipple and intense ear & neck kissing with sexual whispers. I have used a toy on his ass, he has used a toy on his ass. We have had good Edging sessions as we watching TMI porn.

I have rimmed him once, I have shared few deep tongue kisses, I have even since provided some limited oral.

Within the last 2-3 weeks we had been drinking we got very horny and it resulted in me fucking him hard and deep with a condom of course. I only did it for a few minutes as I had a sense he was feeling awkward. At this moment I am a bit foggy as to how our escapade ended but I know how it started. He was feeling submissive, he asked me to climb ontop of him as he laid on his belly. It progressed from there to me eating his ass with the utmost pleasure and aggression.

There have been a few times were I have licked his cock, I have put his cock in my mouth and at times I had been anxious. It is new. It is different. It feels like I am an unsure 20yr old who is still preoccupied with contracting HIV.

This morning we had our usual cuddles. I felt his cock hard as a rock. We had some good firm hand grasps, we traded turns spooning as to feel the others cock near our asses.

I asked him on a scale of 1-10. 10 being He was ready to blow to 1 being he wanted to cry. He replied that he was an 8! Ready Set Go…

I fingered him a little bit. I could tell….I rolled him on his belly and got on top, I dry humped him to see how receptive he was. I was so close to grab a condom and just fuck him silly. I tongue fucked him a couple times.  I then rolled him over and climbed up on his chest and told him what to do. He was a good boy. He stuck out his tongue and I slapped my cock against his face, I forced his mouth open and plunged my cock down his throat a few times, he sucked it a bit more then I laid down beside him. He then got up on all fours and sucked me off. I fingered his ass a bit as he serviced my cock. It felt so good. It had been forever since I had a mouth on my shaft. I was a bit anxious for contraction. Jesus some ignorant HIV positive men like Danny Pintauro-Tabares said he contracted it from oral. It seems so unlikely to contract it that way. Possible but less common.

I had other HIV positive guys suck me off b4 and never thought twice about it. I have had sucked off a few too I am sure and never even knew about it.

This was different. I wanted it. He wanted it. I felt like he needed it more than me to feel whole again. To release his inner cocksucker. To feed him his first seed in over 10months.

It was an amazing blowjob. I then took over and jacked off as his lips were mere centimetres away. Once I started to shoot he went down on me and ate up as much as he could. I felt so food that I was able to give him his first seed in 10months. Hoping that it would inspire him to want more, ask for more, take his first hung daddy cock that he has been fantasizing for weeks now.

It was now his turn to blow. He was on his knees jacking away, spitting on his cock and ferriously tugging away at it wanting to provide me with a load all over myself and again providing him sense of normalcy.

Alas he was unable to blow a load, his anxieties got the best of him and he collapsed beside me and we cuddled. Providing him with some comfort that it was fine. I have had those moments too so it was no big deal.

Was it weird, absolutely. Was it awkward, absolutely. Was it awesome, yes. Do I want it to happen again, sure. Does it feel unsafe and risky, a little bit.

I trust that his blood work is still undetectable. But here we are. It is done….

 

Words & Numbers = No Answers

190Days

16 Hours

0Minutes

20Seconds

SINCE WE FOUND OUT….

 

I feel much better now that I had.

He is lucky that the triumeq has been kind to his body.

He has had no visible, mental or other side effects.

Well none that we can tell.  He has been on the pills since October 8th 6am.

83 DAYS….

He has had some tiny pimple like issues around his mouth area, upper lip, not pimples but blister red blemish like. They come and go. He has periods of this.  This has happened since diagnosis but has only had a couple outbreaks since his pills. Unsure if it is related or just “who he is”

His only side effect is within 60mins of taking the pill which are cured with diet, he eats and they go away. I am happy and relieved that is all of the issues he has had.  As for bowel issues. He has always had issues so knowing if it is because of the pills or not is sort of irrelevant. He has always had bouts with his shit…He farts more. His shit stinks more…BUT who knows…

He has a rash the size of a Canadian One Dollar Coin on his left upper leg. It has grown.

Other than that……just the mental anguish he goes through in phases.

My side effects are  perpetual worry. Over the holidays I was sad a bit but happy. Full of love but also very aware of what has transpired over the last 7months.  December was full of Dr’s appointments.

We were eating supper last night and I was obviously getting emotional. He asked me why I was looking sad.  I opened up and was honest with him and said it was because of HIV thoughts. It would be a disservice to him and me if I just kept it inside and not be truthful why I was sad. I had been thinking of his diagnosis…That was the truth. HE smiled and said thank you and we continued with our night of movies and laughs.

 

 

 

bathhouse breeding in a serodiscordant relationship

A few weeks ago  I went to the local bathhouse. It was a weeknight that my partner was working the night shift and I was unaware of how to be alone with myself.

I knew my bud with the foot fetish was working the counter at the bathhouse so I was hopping I would either get in for free, get a free bottle of poppers or….I am not into him but he seems to be into me so I play with it…..

I was there for a few hours. It was nothing to talk about. Same ole same ole.

I posted on squirt.org that I thought it would be busy and men started to come out of the woodwork. A few regulars I have seen before with huge cocks, a bottom then HE walked in.

I had not seen him over a year. He dropped a shit load of weight.

He is a trucker, a bit of pudge, average 7inch cock with horse balls. He probably was 5’11 ad 220 but stocky fit before. He was probably now 175….

Hot as ever but damn…so it was him, my hung friend who is probably pecan thick cock and 9inches uncut..older BB buddy and another oral expert. The three of us in the basement in the dark room. The trucker was servicing all three of us. He was cum hungry. Sucking all three of us equally. I whispered in the hung tops ear to get behind the bottom. He got on his knees and started to work the truckers hole….

He slipped his hung cock into his hole as the trucker continued to suck me off…I stepped aside to let the other dude get his bj then went behind the top to feel his raw cock breed this horny cumslut trucker take it.

I love feeling raw cock in a dudes hole…wish there was more light…..I could feel the tops cock explode in the truckers hole. I felt the shaft pulse..and pulse as my hand cradled his balls and shaft.

I am rock hard just writing this.

The top withdrew his cock and you could hear the slurp plop of his cock coming out. I walked up on my knees to get behind the trucker… I grabbed my cock and positioned it around his warm eager hole, slid it in and I could feel the tops load. Slathering my cock I started to pump his hole. Frothing up his load around his hole, cum dripping out around the sides of my cock as I breed for the first time in months.

The guilt and excitement of breeding for the firs time in months made me dump my load almost instantly. I thrusted every drop in his hole as my hands massaged his ass and waist. I love breeding doggy style. I felt a sense of guilt and “what if” the trucker was poz.

He has a girlfriend. He does go to the bathhouse, he probably picks up on the road. I know he breeds with the oral guy I mentioned earlier. Maybe he doesn’t know. How could he drop that weight.  Distortions started to freak me out and make me forget what I had just done. I loved it but hated it.

I haven’t stopped thinking of it since…..Who doesn’t love a fit, hung big balled cum slut bottom? Tats and a trucker at that! Sort of fits the bill for a gay man’s fantasy.

The boyfriend and I had been with him a handful of times before.

So why was this time any different. Who knows….But I want to do it again.

Fuck I love breeding….

Feels slightly disrespectful to boyfriend who is now living with HIV but….

I have needs….torn….

UNDETECTABLE, almost…

What is a number. They say age is just a number. HIV status is just a number.  Time is just a series of numbers. Bank accounts are just numbers.

What is ONE.

What is undetectable…..

Close but no cigar?

SO….Here are some numbers for you….

June-  Boyfriend had a extremely High Viral Load. 1,000,000’s. That was within just a month of infection.

July’ish- 700,000 parts per millilitre

September 500,000 parts per millilitre

October 400,000 parts per millilitre

October 8th 2015, 6am- FIRST Pill of Triumeq

December 10th 2015- 21 parts per millilitre

UNDETECTABLE IS 20PPM OR LESS!!

SO…JUST SHY OF UNDETECTABLE…THAT IS REMARKABLY GOOD NEWS!

A lot of anxiety was leading up to that number.

Would the pills work? Was taking them at 6am worth it? Was eating better and reduction of alcohol worth it? Was going to bed worth it?

Now we have our answer. It was such a surreal moment.

Lots of tears.

We have become a little complacent. We started to live our lives.

We found a new place to live(move in date March2016), I got a new job, GrandMother died, Had a tiny small emotionally charged spat*first time since May2015 we had any sort of fight.(granted it was the day after grandmothers funeral).  Boyfriend started to see an ENT. Got him hooked up to a CPAP machine. It took 7months to get a psychologist to see him, He just had his first appointment just before Christmas. He has seen a Naturopath Dr 2x.

Now what??

 

TIMELINES

So much time has gone by since my last post.

I truly have no excuse other than a lack of commitment and structure to my life.

In October I applied for a job, got the job, 3weeks of intense training off site then thrown into the position sink or swim style. I am loving it!

I was fortunate enough that my partner stepped up to the plate and helped me deal with life’s daily routine. I am grateful. He wrote me little love notes every morning.  He made sure laundry was done.  He not only made supper nightly but also did the dishes as I absolved myself from all household chores to only fall into the abyss of self reflection of the days training and mentally shutting down.

He loved me. He cuddled me. He made sure I wanted or needed for anything. It helped me achieve my goals.  I had not worked since April. And before that I had only worked for 6months.

It was my time. I knew I had to get off my rocker and get out in life. I not only had to live my motto of be strong to be strong for him later. It involved me becoming a whole person.

I was not working. I was only bringing in $790 bucks a month from disability. Whereas he has HIV and is working. Worked through his seroconversion, his pills, the mental anguish, YET here I sit unable to get out in the world and contribute.

I wanted to work. I just had no idea what I was capable of. I felt a wave of positivity from my partners journey. I knew I could do it. An opportunity arose and I grabbed it and did my best.

I have been working full time since December 4th.

Daily I knew I wanted to write in my blog for you fellow readers but was so caught up in my new chapter I was unable to get ahold of what was happening let alone able to put it into words.

I generally prefer not to write at home. I like going to a coffee shop and being out in the world to allow influences and life inspire me to write. So here I sit. January 2nd 2016. A new year….

The next couple of months should be busy for me but I hope to achieve some sense of normalcy now that I have a months schedule I can pencil in some blogging time.

Much has happened for my partner and I’s path of positivity that I have been bursting at the seams to share. Now I have an opportunity.

Happy New Year!

The Sweats

For some reason yesterday I was unable to sleep.

I had an exciting day. I had been outside in the sun most of the day. I had been to my local coffee house for  a moment to enjoy being out and about and people watching. Looking at apartments and condos online, sipping on my coffee.

I had a job offer and I accepted it. Needless to say I was full of life yesterday.

SO….I stayed up late and surfed the net while watching Netflix. I went to bed just before 3am. I crawled into bed. The boyfriend was sleeping silently. I had no issues. I went to cuddle him and he was very very very sweaty and warm. I felt his forehead and he had no fever.

My first thought was,” was this the sweats they talk about?”

My boyfriend has always been a sweaty sleeper. It was not an uncommon thing. I was not too surprised but for the first time it did bother me. I second guessed who he was. I was angry.

Anger. Angry. Frustrated. Sad….I was sad….I was sad that my boyfriend I would never ever truly know who he would have become. He has now become something else. He will never ever become the man he or I thought he would.

Will I always second guess each wrinkle, will I second guess his fat, will I second guess his energy level. I am….

He had never ever had any HIV symptoms and still has had no illness. I read all the time on these HIV chaser sights etc that guys get the “fuck flu” etc. Some state they get it within weeks. Etc…It blows my mind. It makes me doubt. It makes me mad. It makes me confused. It makes me sad…just plain sad.

He is a very slim man as it is. At the most he is 135 lbs wet…..Slim and trim he has always been.  That scares me for the future. What will happen to him with the HIV and his body type. It seems unlikely that he will be a huge man with muscle and such but what are you suppose to do…I can’t change him. HE can’t not become someone he isn’t. He works out. HE eats well..

I tell myself he is fortunate enough that he has never had the “fuck flu”, he has never had symptoms. Now that he is 30days in with triumeq  he is on his way to being as normal and healthy as he can be…BUT he will never know who he could have been…

I don’t know.  It seems my stages of touring are now all so melded together I am just moving on.

I asked him yesterday how he was in regards to his side effects. He said he only suffers some upset stomach and nausea and once he eats its gone. So I suppose that is a good thing but again the pamphlet that came with the drug says that side effects may appear up to 6weeks after. It scares me if he gets diarrhoea because he already has bowel issues has he has 18inches less of his large intestine….He has always had shit issues….since the surgery.