Poz’itivity Down the Hatch…

The other day I was at work and I was getting very horny. I started to think how much cock my poz boyfriend has been getting and was thinking,” if they can suck his cock, why can’t i?”

So I texted my boyfriend and said, get home as soon as you can and I will be home by 5:20pm. I got home before him and stripped down and climbed into bed with a ragging hard on.

I tried to pretend I was sleeping when he found me in bed and I listened as he stripped off. He climbed into bed and started to kiss my neck and rub his hard cock into my crotch. I turned around and got close enough that our cocks were rubbing and grinding as we made out.

I asked if I could suck his cock and then threw the covers down and asked him to take an active role. He got up on his knees and told me,” suck my dick!” He was very assertive and began to fuck my  throat with vigour and passion.

HE fucked my mouth any way he wanted. He was verbal, moaned and sighed as I swallowed his thick cock.

I started to taste and feel the precum oozing out of his cock and lingering around his foreskin. It began to create a bit of anxiety for me and I paused and told him I could taste it and then he came down to kiss me and take it from my mouth.

He then stuck his thumb down my throat and opened my mouth more. He feed me his shaft and told me to keep sucking.

I sucked and sucked his meat until his hips were pumping my forehead. I had to brace myself with a pillow. HE then too a breather and asked if we wanted to jerk off. He knew I didn’t want him to blow in my mouth so it was a natural ending.

We laid back, grabbed our cocks and beat them ferociously until he blew first then He leaned over and started to moan and whisper in my ear and I blew all over me and his side.

He went to clean up and I shortly joined him in the washroom. I said I was a bit anxious about having that much precum in my mouth. I shared with him my thoughts. I said I understood the science and all but it was still so new to us and me. I said I wasn’t expecting anything from him but an open ear and mind.

I think. If he can have  a guy come over, who knows his status, still fucks him bareback and is fine with it because he said he knew the risks….Then why can’t I just take a little cock down my throat.

 

Sunny Disposition ….I smile for cum!

Here I am. Can you see me? Can you hear me? No, that is good. I want to be anonymous.  So many men, boys and ladyboys want to know who you are when you are on social media like Grindr, Manhunt, Squirt. ” Do you got a pic, brah?” it drives me crazy.  Maybe I am a creature of habit, maybe I am too old for this hook up game. Maybe I am not getting it. I like the days when you could hide in a stall and tap your foot or look for the other dudes shadow going back and forth to know if he is cruising. I like the days where you can hide in the shadows of a park and wait for some man to walk by and tug at his crotch. It did not matter what you looked like for the most part. It was dark, you had your cock out and you were ready and willing to anyone who was ready to get you off.

Now everything has to meet a preconceived checklist. The newest app on the market is in the underground until more and more socially retarded single faggots join and then change the dynamic. Anonymous fucking is dead. You need to see what he looks like, his stats, his into, his time frames, what social circle he may run in to ensure you may be compatible. What is there to be compatible about. It’s just sex. If it isn’t just sex, one of the two are being dishonest with themselves.

So where does this leave me. I am in the cruising market. I am ready to blow a load. I am scared, I am nervous, I am anxious and horny as fuck.

I have made a few connections. I have had my blood work done since, I have told my partner that I have played. I have had some anonymous hookups, I had been to the bathhouse, I have been to the public washroom, I have had someone over at the house.

So where does this leave me. Guilt, shame and wanting more. I have had a really bad cold, I have had a herpes breakout, aka a cold sore, since I was 16yrs old. It is a badge of shame for sure but I kept up with it and put it back in its place.

I have been fortunate enough that my partner has been honest and shared his willingness to jump back into the hookup game. He has been with 4 different guys and one of them 2x.

I joined in on 3 of them where as the others I hid in the closet watching through the closet door crack. It was amazing. I also had the voyeuristic eye to watch him breed a dude who is also undetectable(even though he never said he was nor does he know bf is).

It is hot as hell to watch my boyfriend top. It is equally hot to watch him service hot hung daddies. I also like watching him take a load of cum to the face.

Boyfriend has had one guy breed him and he took his load deep in his ass. This guy knew he was undetectable but made the choice to top him anyway. It was soon hot. The daddy top ever knew I was watching from the closet. I did join in the second time they hooked up.

My boyfriend was in a service mood for sure.

My boyfriend and I took a boy home from Grindr. We met up with him at a local pub and fed him a couple drinks then took him back to the house. This boy claims he is on prep and wants seed. He is a cum hungry pig slut bottom. I hooked up with him once before and knew he was the boy I wanted my boyfriend to be breeding buddies with. So I introduced them and we all slept in the same bed.

However the boy was too drunk to play. Passing in and out of consciousness. He was a bit of a headache actually. I woke up in the middle of the night pretending to sleep as I was listening and watching with one eye my boyfriend trying to breed this slut. But the slut kept on pushing him off saying he was too tired.

Morning came and he and the boyfriend had some hot oral before boyfriend took off to work and then I bred this boys ass twice. Dumping my load hoping he would keep my load in their for the day so Bf could  use it as lube later. That never happened.

There is nothing better than having a slut beg for your seed. Begging for it.

So….This threesome boyfriend and I had with the man who knew bfs status. This guy did not know we were boyfriends but just friends, I pretended I was from out of town.

This guy the first time they hooked up lasted all of 2mins inside his ass before he seeded him. So I figured it would be a quick hookup. I was able to eat this daddies ass and breed him before he took a turn on the boyfriend. I came too quickly of course watching boyfriend sucking his hung cock at the same time put me over the edge.

I then took a back seat and watched boyfriend and him fool around. This guy was into kink, he wanted me to eat my seed out of his ass. He wanted to use a sounding tube on his cock, he put on a oxballs cockring on his cock and used some sort of warming cream on his balls as I finger fucked him and boyfriend sucked his cock with the sounding tube down his shaft. It was a hot time. Was a little longer than I anticipated. But fun…

He asked to stick around and have a glass of wine to chat. So we chatted. Making up lies as we went along to make it seem we were just friends. He had said in a Manhunt chat that he wasn’t into group sex with couples so….

Another guy that the boyfriend fucked around with as I watched from the closet was an amazing daddy, fit, muscles, friendly, handsome and hung as fuck, he stayed so fucking hard his veins were popping the entire time they were fooling around.

One thing I have noticed with hung daddies especially those who lie their age is they want more romance than just fucking around.  He was all into kissing and taking his time. There was one moment where boyfriend was straddling his chest and fucking his mouth that the daddy shifted him down to his crotch and started to play with boyfriends hole with his raw precummy cock. He poked his knob around his hole wanting to breed him. He was determined to get it in. I was very very anxious and scared that he was going to breed him without knowing boyfriend was undetectable. Boyfriend had condoms ready but the dude never reached for one. Boyfriend rode his rod against his crotch teasing him, watching the precum drip down his shaft before bf crawled off and said,” not tonight”.

Sighs…I am hard as a rock sitting here in the coffee shop reliving this moment. They keep chatting and trying to arrange a second hookup. Boyfriend really wants too but is also hesitant because this daddy has already expressed interest and has verbalized its more than a hookup, he wants to stay the night etc and cuddle sessions. Boyfriend just wants a fuck ready daddy.

I joined boyfriend in a threesome with a guy. I joined in a session watching him breed and pound the shit out of a hung bottom. He hooked up with this guy pre diagnosis as well. It is interesting that this bottom since their last hook up before diagnosis has also now become infected.

That is in itself a whole new blog entry but….How hot is it to watch to poz men just go at it no holds bar. more to come…

I have confessed to boyfriend I have had a few hookups on the side. One I video tapped and showed him, the other I told him about because he knew I had been with this guy before in our old apartment. The guy I had videotaped is……well I think I want to make a whole complete blog about it in detail. I want to watch the video with headphones on so I can dictate every single detail for you sluts who read this shit to get off.

As for the guy I have been with a few times. He is just some middle aged, short, bottom slut.  He walks in, gets undressed, gets on all fours ass spread and lubed up, I then enter the bedroom from the bathroom and walk up, kick his legs apart and slide my raw cock into his hole as I feed him poppers. I breed him, step away, blow my load on his hole then push it back in then kick him out.

Thats all it is, just a hole to blow in.

Now….Why do I breed? I don’t know. I just like the wet warm feeling wrapped around my shaft and feeling my seed spew all over and plaster a willing mans asshole.

With that being said I was fearful once I had contracted “it”. More so It was just a bad cold…A man cold of course…The side effect of being an anxious person who’s boyfriend has HIV its always on my mind.

If I keep this up at some point it could be inevitable that I could contract it if I keep fucking guys raw. That would make me very sad and my boyfriend angry. I mean I will breed guys who I don’t know their status but I won’t fuck him. A guy who knows his status will still breed him but I won’t.?!?!! I am sure that can add to the mental confusion to it all.

I have more luck with men on Craigslist then I do on Manhunt, Squirt and Grindr. Those sites are boring and for the masses. Everyone thinks they know someone or someone knows someone who has fucked so and so….I don’t have time for that. The men on craigslist are more intense. Discrete and it helps keep the distance.

I will admit the daddy that the boyfriend was fucking around with who almost slide his raw shaft deep into his tight eager hole was a man from Manhunt who I have always wanted to service but I am not his type. So it is nice to live vicariously through boyfriend. Watching the both of them getting what they want from the hookup. Meanwhile I am still getting what I want. I love to watch men fuck….The sounds, the smell the dim lights bouncing off the muscle, the ass….I love the smell of poppers and sweaty ass fill the room.

Here I am. sitting in the coffee shop waiting to watch my numbers climb as all you pig sluts want more. Feel free to email me, chat me or share what you want to hear from me.

 

Words & Numbers = No Answers

190Days

16 Hours

0Minutes

20Seconds

SINCE WE FOUND OUT….

 

I feel much better now that I had.

He is lucky that the triumeq has been kind to his body.

He has had no visible, mental or other side effects.

Well none that we can tell.  He has been on the pills since October 8th 6am.

83 DAYS….

He has had some tiny pimple like issues around his mouth area, upper lip, not pimples but blister red blemish like. They come and go. He has periods of this.  This has happened since diagnosis but has only had a couple outbreaks since his pills. Unsure if it is related or just “who he is”

His only side effect is within 60mins of taking the pill which are cured with diet, he eats and they go away. I am happy and relieved that is all of the issues he has had.  As for bowel issues. He has always had issues so knowing if it is because of the pills or not is sort of irrelevant. He has always had bouts with his shit…He farts more. His shit stinks more…BUT who knows…

He has a rash the size of a Canadian One Dollar Coin on his left upper leg. It has grown.

Other than that……just the mental anguish he goes through in phases.

My side effects are  perpetual worry. Over the holidays I was sad a bit but happy. Full of love but also very aware of what has transpired over the last 7months.  December was full of Dr’s appointments.

We were eating supper last night and I was obviously getting emotional. He asked me why I was looking sad.  I opened up and was honest with him and said it was because of HIV thoughts. It would be a disservice to him and me if I just kept it inside and not be truthful why I was sad. I had been thinking of his diagnosis…That was the truth. HE smiled and said thank you and we continued with our night of movies and laughs.

 

 

 

bathhouse breeding in a serodiscordant relationship

A few weeks ago  I went to the local bathhouse. It was a weeknight that my partner was working the night shift and I was unaware of how to be alone with myself.

I knew my bud with the foot fetish was working the counter at the bathhouse so I was hopping I would either get in for free, get a free bottle of poppers or….I am not into him but he seems to be into me so I play with it…..

I was there for a few hours. It was nothing to talk about. Same ole same ole.

I posted on squirt.org that I thought it would be busy and men started to come out of the woodwork. A few regulars I have seen before with huge cocks, a bottom then HE walked in.

I had not seen him over a year. He dropped a shit load of weight.

He is a trucker, a bit of pudge, average 7inch cock with horse balls. He probably was 5’11 ad 220 but stocky fit before. He was probably now 175….

Hot as ever but damn…so it was him, my hung friend who is probably pecan thick cock and 9inches uncut..older BB buddy and another oral expert. The three of us in the basement in the dark room. The trucker was servicing all three of us. He was cum hungry. Sucking all three of us equally. I whispered in the hung tops ear to get behind the bottom. He got on his knees and started to work the truckers hole….

He slipped his hung cock into his hole as the trucker continued to suck me off…I stepped aside to let the other dude get his bj then went behind the top to feel his raw cock breed this horny cumslut trucker take it.

I love feeling raw cock in a dudes hole…wish there was more light…..I could feel the tops cock explode in the truckers hole. I felt the shaft pulse..and pulse as my hand cradled his balls and shaft.

I am rock hard just writing this.

The top withdrew his cock and you could hear the slurp plop of his cock coming out. I walked up on my knees to get behind the trucker… I grabbed my cock and positioned it around his warm eager hole, slid it in and I could feel the tops load. Slathering my cock I started to pump his hole. Frothing up his load around his hole, cum dripping out around the sides of my cock as I breed for the first time in months.

The guilt and excitement of breeding for the firs time in months made me dump my load almost instantly. I thrusted every drop in his hole as my hands massaged his ass and waist. I love breeding doggy style. I felt a sense of guilt and “what if” the trucker was poz.

He has a girlfriend. He does go to the bathhouse, he probably picks up on the road. I know he breeds with the oral guy I mentioned earlier. Maybe he doesn’t know. How could he drop that weight.  Distortions started to freak me out and make me forget what I had just done. I loved it but hated it.

I haven’t stopped thinking of it since…..Who doesn’t love a fit, hung big balled cum slut bottom? Tats and a trucker at that! Sort of fits the bill for a gay man’s fantasy.

The boyfriend and I had been with him a handful of times before.

So why was this time any different. Who knows….But I want to do it again.

Fuck I love breeding….

Feels slightly disrespectful to boyfriend who is now living with HIV but….

I have needs….torn….

UNDETECTABLE, almost…

What is a number. They say age is just a number. HIV status is just a number.  Time is just a series of numbers. Bank accounts are just numbers.

What is ONE.

What is undetectable…..

Close but no cigar?

SO….Here are some numbers for you….

June-  Boyfriend had a extremely High Viral Load. 1,000,000’s. That was within just a month of infection.

July’ish- 700,000 parts per millilitre

September 500,000 parts per millilitre

October 400,000 parts per millilitre

October 8th 2015, 6am- FIRST Pill of Triumeq

December 10th 2015- 21 parts per millilitre

UNDETECTABLE IS 20PPM OR LESS!!

SO…JUST SHY OF UNDETECTABLE…THAT IS REMARKABLY GOOD NEWS!

A lot of anxiety was leading up to that number.

Would the pills work? Was taking them at 6am worth it? Was eating better and reduction of alcohol worth it? Was going to bed worth it?

Now we have our answer. It was such a surreal moment.

Lots of tears.

We have become a little complacent. We started to live our lives.

We found a new place to live(move in date March2016), I got a new job, GrandMother died, Had a tiny small emotionally charged spat*first time since May2015 we had any sort of fight.(granted it was the day after grandmothers funeral).  Boyfriend started to see an ENT. Got him hooked up to a CPAP machine. It took 7months to get a psychologist to see him, He just had his first appointment just before Christmas. He has seen a Naturopath Dr 2x.

Now what??

 

TIMELINES

So much time has gone by since my last post.

I truly have no excuse other than a lack of commitment and structure to my life.

In October I applied for a job, got the job, 3weeks of intense training off site then thrown into the position sink or swim style. I am loving it!

I was fortunate enough that my partner stepped up to the plate and helped me deal with life’s daily routine. I am grateful. He wrote me little love notes every morning.  He made sure laundry was done.  He not only made supper nightly but also did the dishes as I absolved myself from all household chores to only fall into the abyss of self reflection of the days training and mentally shutting down.

He loved me. He cuddled me. He made sure I wanted or needed for anything. It helped me achieve my goals.  I had not worked since April. And before that I had only worked for 6months.

It was my time. I knew I had to get off my rocker and get out in life. I not only had to live my motto of be strong to be strong for him later. It involved me becoming a whole person.

I was not working. I was only bringing in $790 bucks a month from disability. Whereas he has HIV and is working. Worked through his seroconversion, his pills, the mental anguish, YET here I sit unable to get out in the world and contribute.

I wanted to work. I just had no idea what I was capable of. I felt a wave of positivity from my partners journey. I knew I could do it. An opportunity arose and I grabbed it and did my best.

I have been working full time since December 4th.

Daily I knew I wanted to write in my blog for you fellow readers but was so caught up in my new chapter I was unable to get ahold of what was happening let alone able to put it into words.

I generally prefer not to write at home. I like going to a coffee shop and being out in the world to allow influences and life inspire me to write. So here I sit. January 2nd 2016. A new year….

The next couple of months should be busy for me but I hope to achieve some sense of normalcy now that I have a months schedule I can pencil in some blogging time.

Much has happened for my partner and I’s path of positivity that I have been bursting at the seams to share. Now I have an opportunity.

Happy New Year!

The Sweats

For some reason yesterday I was unable to sleep.

I had an exciting day. I had been outside in the sun most of the day. I had been to my local coffee house for  a moment to enjoy being out and about and people watching. Looking at apartments and condos online, sipping on my coffee.

I had a job offer and I accepted it. Needless to say I was full of life yesterday.

SO….I stayed up late and surfed the net while watching Netflix. I went to bed just before 3am. I crawled into bed. The boyfriend was sleeping silently. I had no issues. I went to cuddle him and he was very very very sweaty and warm. I felt his forehead and he had no fever.

My first thought was,” was this the sweats they talk about?”

My boyfriend has always been a sweaty sleeper. It was not an uncommon thing. I was not too surprised but for the first time it did bother me. I second guessed who he was. I was angry.

Anger. Angry. Frustrated. Sad….I was sad….I was sad that my boyfriend I would never ever truly know who he would have become. He has now become something else. He will never ever become the man he or I thought he would.

Will I always second guess each wrinkle, will I second guess his fat, will I second guess his energy level. I am….

He had never ever had any HIV symptoms and still has had no illness. I read all the time on these HIV chaser sights etc that guys get the “fuck flu” etc. Some state they get it within weeks. Etc…It blows my mind. It makes me doubt. It makes me mad. It makes me confused. It makes me sad…just plain sad.

He is a very slim man as it is. At the most he is 135 lbs wet…..Slim and trim he has always been.  That scares me for the future. What will happen to him with the HIV and his body type. It seems unlikely that he will be a huge man with muscle and such but what are you suppose to do…I can’t change him. HE can’t not become someone he isn’t. He works out. HE eats well..

I tell myself he is fortunate enough that he has never had the “fuck flu”, he has never had symptoms. Now that he is 30days in with triumeq  he is on his way to being as normal and healthy as he can be…BUT he will never know who he could have been…

I don’t know.  It seems my stages of touring are now all so melded together I am just moving on.

I asked him yesterday how he was in regards to his side effects. He said he only suffers some upset stomach and nausea and once he eats its gone. So I suppose that is a good thing but again the pamphlet that came with the drug says that side effects may appear up to 6weeks after. It scares me if he gets diarrhoea because he already has bowel issues has he has 18inches less of his large intestine….He has always had shit issues….since the surgery.