For some reason yesterday I was unable to sleep.
I had an exciting day. I had been outside in the sun most of the day. I had been to my local coffee house for a moment to enjoy being out and about and people watching. Looking at apartments and condos online, sipping on my coffee.
I had a job offer and I accepted it. Needless to say I was full of life yesterday.
SO….I stayed up late and surfed the net while watching Netflix. I went to bed just before 3am. I crawled into bed. The boyfriend was sleeping silently. I had no issues. I went to cuddle him and he was very very very sweaty and warm. I felt his forehead and he had no fever.
My first thought was,” was this the sweats they talk about?”
My boyfriend has always been a sweaty sleeper. It was not an uncommon thing. I was not too surprised but for the first time it did bother me. I second guessed who he was. I was angry.
Anger. Angry. Frustrated. Sad….I was sad….I was sad that my boyfriend I would never ever truly know who he would have become. He has now become something else. He will never ever become the man he or I thought he would.
Will I always second guess each wrinkle, will I second guess his fat, will I second guess his energy level. I am….
He had never ever had any HIV symptoms and still has had no illness. I read all the time on these HIV chaser sights etc that guys get the “fuck flu” etc. Some state they get it within weeks. Etc…It blows my mind. It makes me doubt. It makes me mad. It makes me confused. It makes me sad…just plain sad.
He is a very slim man as it is. At the most he is 135 lbs wet…..Slim and trim he has always been. That scares me for the future. What will happen to him with the HIV and his body type. It seems unlikely that he will be a huge man with muscle and such but what are you suppose to do…I can’t change him. HE can’t not become someone he isn’t. He works out. HE eats well..
I tell myself he is fortunate enough that he has never had the “fuck flu”, he has never had symptoms. Now that he is 30days in with triumeq he is on his way to being as normal and healthy as he can be…BUT he will never know who he could have been…
I don’t know. It seems my stages of touring are now all so melded together I am just moving on.
I asked him yesterday how he was in regards to his side effects. He said he only suffers some upset stomach and nausea and once he eats its gone. So I suppose that is a good thing but again the pamphlet that came with the drug says that side effects may appear up to 6weeks after. It scares me if he gets diarrhoea because he already has bowel issues has he has 18inches less of his large intestine….He has always had shit issues….since the surgery.
serodiscordantcanuck 