Poz on Poz. Birthday Cock…

Here I sit at a coffee shop on a grey day awaiting my daily dose of coffee. The PozPig is with me today. It is his birthday weekend. I have taken 4.5 days off to be with him. We have both worked so hard this last year we have not had many opportunities to connect.

I have mixed feelings about these 4 days ahead of us. Wondering what they will bring and if I will be disappointed when it is all said and done. I want to be a pig and fuck all weekend.  I want to whore his ass out and see him fill his boy hole with as many loads as he can take.

We had some hot one sided oral sex the two nights ago. Quick simple, cock sucking, ball sucking and ass eating as he spewed his toxic load all over my chest. I had no opportunity to blow as it was sort of in the cards that it was all about him. We had not had sex together in well over 3 weeks and he has been in a slump so to speak.

He has had sex, we have not. It has become a bit intolerable and bothersome that he has been fucking other dudes as I sit in the closet and beat off watching as he has his fill.

He has had many guys this summer come over to the loft. Some Bareback, Some with condoms, some just oral. Some were Poz dudes, some said they were neg and I am sure perhaps some never knew their status.

He has had some remarkable men and boys. Some were smooth fit muscle studs that just wanted a hole to fill. One man was a hot, shaved head, muscle mature man, mid forties, with a hung man meat. He was POZ. My boyfriend has always wanted to hookup with him but nothing ever came of it. We never knew he was poz before the night he first came over.

Over the last few years prior to his HIV infection we had been on a few sites, manhunt, squirt, grindr, etc…We have seen this dude on the sites. HE tried to message him and wink at him but to no success. Boyfriend always felt he was out of his league. It was within the last year the boyfriend said that this dude was on his wishlist. A fantasy. He is handsome. Scruff, manly. Beautiful face.

I was on squirt.org on my bf’s account and this guy messaged. He wanted to fuck. So i kept the conversation going. I got a picture off of him and realized it was the same pic that I had seen on BBRT and that guy was poz. So I yelled across the loft for Bf to come to me and look at my discovery.

It is interesting that after all these years that as it turns out his fantasy fuck is Poz and now more than ever on the to do list and a real possibility to take raw man cock again. Maybe this is why this dude has never given boyfriend the attention he wanted because he knew he was poz and never really felt it a possibility that he could fuck a negative boy. After a conversation and self disclosure and asking him a couple of times to reassure him if he was good to fuck raw he said he would come over.

The boyfriend was in shock. He could not believe after all this time he was going to fuck a man he has always wanted to service. He got in the bathroom, douched, bathed, trimmed and waited! I quiver just writing about it.

Within 90mins he was over to the loft and balls deep in boyfriend, making him a dirty little cum slut. HE rammed, plowed, and tortured the boyfriends hole. I have never ever heard him cry for mercy as he took hung cock. This man seemed to be given the forbidden fruit. How many men has this Poz dude been with, has he too lived a sheltered sex life because many men won’t fuck a Poz dude in our tiny homophobic, aids ignorant society we live in. He acted like he hasn’t BB a willing hole in a long time.

My boyfriend loved it. He sucked, he worshipped, he was put into every position I could imagine by this Poz man. He wanted his hole. I was watching silently beating off in the closet across from the bed unknowingly witnessing true pig fucking. When the man wasn’t fucking him the boyfriend cleaned off the freshly ass juiced man meat and re lubed it with his spit  polishing it off and then bending over and taking it again.

The room smelled like stench. Pure man on man stench. Poppers lingered in the air, ass juice flowing, spit everywhere, ass juice all over the fuck blanket. Lube all over their bodies. The Poz dude pulled the bf’s body in any direction he wanted. He was rough on him. One position he turned him into a pretzel and heaved his shaft down his shit chute. He started to moan, scream and moaned” I’m cumin” he unloaded in his hole and kept pumping his dirty seed down his hole. The boyfriend was shivering and glistening with a well deserved sweat. The collapsed onto the bed and made small chat.

To cut to the chase, the Poz Man who is the quentential gay man. Handsome, fit, bald shaved head, beard. He sort of looked like the porn star, ” Drew Sebastian” He is fucking hot. Needless to say, this local Porn Star came over 2 more times. They have been chatting a bit on text messaging.

I am a bit jealous. He is everything I am not. He gives the boyfriend I am unable to give him. Over and over again. Even though the Poz man disclosed to the bf the bf has yet to disclose to him his status. I am unsure if he ever will.

I do get something from it as well. I fulfill my inner whore voyeuristic eye. But the side effects are ye to be determined.

The boyfriend is now in a slump. Not in the mood. Not wanting to hookup with other guys nor me.  I am unsure of his intentions or reasoning for it. It has happened before pre and post hiv.

Nothing to worry about I tell myself. But I am an anxious person anyway so who knows.

As much as I want to who him out if he is not willing it is a fruitless cause.

My fantasy is for me to stay online all day and invite guys over and walk into the bedroom and find him on all fours, seed him, have him suck them and leave..Then once the sun sets take him to the bathhouse and have him take as many cocks as he can take in the dark room. All for the sake of cock.  All for my selfish reasons.

With all this being said. What is it about me? Why is it at times when I want him to take a strangers cock and load I get all worked up with anticipation. However when it is early in the day and I jerk off to porn on different sites or even to the boyfriends homemade video of the Poz dude breeding him once I blow I feel guilt and don’t want him to be with anyone else and feel satisfied. Yet a few hours later I am wanting it again.

I want the boyfriend to feel special and remember the birthday we spent together but would it be tainted if he took another mans load other than mine?

This morning when we woke up he was in the bathroom for some time as I was adjusting to the morning light coming through the curtains. Awaiting his return to I could take my turn in the washroom, refreshing my mouth and wash my cock. The boyfriend returned and then I had my turn.

We kissed, we fondled, I went for his ass as he whispered,” careful it may be dirty.” I replied,” I thought you washed it” He said, “I did but be careful”

So I went for it. He had a faint faint smell of a shit but he was clean. I made him moan as i ate his ass and taint. It was refreshing to make a man moan. My man. I felt comfortable and secure. I then crawled up onto all fours and rubbed my shaft against his hole with random pokes. My head pressing against his spit lathered quivering hole. He was intense in his moans and grunts. His inner slut bottom wanted it. He forgot his status and didn’t care my knob was poking him. My juicy knob every few thrusts penetrated his hole. He made no excuse and accepted my cock. I wanted to breed him. I wanted him to take my load. Other negative men have fucked him, knowingly full well his status and others not. He has accepted others cocks but he has never wanted me to breed him. What was I to do.

I stopped and got up beside him laying side by side and cocks pressed against each other. I then instructed him to clean my cock off. I muttered,” I like dirty ass and you like dirty cock so clean it off” It was a figure of speech. MY cock had no shit on it. Just ass juice.

We cuddled a bit and then we got out of bed. No load. No orgasm. Just left it at that.

I sort of used him to excite him. I wanted his hole to want more. I planted the seed that he could take big cock today. TO fill his hole. TO want seed. TO take raw cock. POZ cock.  I told him ,” it is your birthday weekend, you deserve what your hole desires!”

 

ANNIVERSARIES, 15 IN ALL….

YESTERDAY WAS OUR 15TH ANNIVERSARY.

IT WAS A TIME OF MIXED EMOTION. AT TIMES I FORGOT EVEN OF HIS STATUS.

THE THOUGHT DID CREEP IN A FEW TIMES AND MADE ME SAD. OVERALL IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL DAY.

THE DAY STARTED WITH CUDDLES AND MASSAGING. WE HAD OUR REGULAR GREEN SMOOTHIE AND TEA AND GOT DRESSED TO HEAD TO THE MOVIES.  IT WAS A DATE!

WE SAT DOWN AND GAVE EACH OTHER A CARD. WE GIGGLED AND SMILED AND HAD TEARS IN OUR EYES AS WE SHARED OUR LOVE. THE DAY MOVED ON AND WITH ANTICIPATION.

I FEEL SINCE DIAGNOISS THAT HE HAS BEEN OVER COMPENSATING WITH GIFTS. I UNDERSTAND WHY BUT IT ISN’T NECESSARY. I APPRECIATE IT AND I LOVE HIS JOYOUS SMILE WHEN HE ANTICIPATES MY LOOK OF SURPRISE WHEN I SEE WHAT HAS BEEN GIFTED TO ME.

WE MADE OUR WAY TO THE THEATRE TO WATCH THE EPIC “STAR WARS-THE FORCE AWAKENS”.

WE HAVE A CERTAIN UNSPOKEN BOND. WE MET IN THE BITTER COLD NIGHTS OF JANUARY 15YEARS AGO. OUR RELATIONSHIP IS BASED ON COLD WINTERS WALKS AND FREEZING TOES. OUR RELATIONSHIP IS CEMENTED WITH FRIGID TEMPERATURES.

IT HAS MADE US STRONG AND UNWAVERING IN OUR LOIVE.  WE HAD OUR STRUGGLES. WE HAD OUR MOMENTS BUT WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT. IT IS A BOND I STILL THINK TO THIS DAY I AM UNABLE TO VOCALIZE.

MANY THINGS HAVE HAPPENED TO US. TO ME. TO HIM. THIS NEW CHAPTER PARTICULARLY SINCE IT IS NOW LIFE CHANGING.

WE HAD SUCH A GREAT TIME. SHARING GLANCES. CRYING AT THE SAME MOMENTS IN THE MOVIE. LAUGHING AT THE SAME TIME AND IN SHOCK AND AWW WHEN AN EPIC MOMENT WAS REVEALED IN THE MOVIE.

WE FINISHED THE MOVIE LIKE WE ALWAYS DO. WE SIT THROUGH THE WHOLE MOVIE INCLUDING CREDITS. WE LIKE TO STAY UNTIL THE END. WE WATCH THE CREDITS, TALK ABOUT THE MOVIE, LISTEN TO THE SOUNDTRACK. SOMETIMES WE WANT TO KNOW WHERE IT WAS FILMED, WHAT ARTISTS CONTRIBUTED TO THE SOUNDTRACK.

WHEN THE MOVIE WAS OVER WE LEFT AND WENT WINDOW SHOPPING FOR OUR NEW APARTMENT LOFT. IT IS NICE TO DAY DREAM. NICE TO SHARE OUR DISLIKES AND LIKES OF A PARTICULAR PIECE OF FURNITURE OR DECOR.

WE MADE OUR WAY HOME TO CHANGE AND GET READY TO HEAD OUT FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY SUPPER.

AS WE WERE GETTING READY TO GO OUT FOR SUPPER WE DECIDED TO EXCHANGE GIFTS. I FELT SILLY THAT I HAD NOT WRAPPED MY GIFT FOR HIM. MONOGRAMED INITIALS ON COFFEE MUGS.  THEY WERE VERY HANDSOME. CRISP WHITE AND A STYLISH BLACK INTIAL FOR EACH OF US. MEANWHILE HIS BEAUTIFULLY WRAPPED GIFTS WERE AWAITING MY HANDS TO TEAR APART THE PAPER TO DISCOVER WHAT WAS INSIDE. A CUTE LOVING SILLY GIFT. A BOXED ENVELOPE WITH THE WORDS,” FULL OF LOVE” I TOOK THE SLEEVE OFF AND SAW THE BOOK. I OPENED THE BOOK AND VALENTINES DAY LIKE GLITTER SHAPES FELL OUT. IT WAS A FAUX BOOK WITH THE INSIDE CUT OUT TO HIDE LITTLE TREASURES.  I LOVED IT. I ALWAYS WANTED ONE. THE SECOND GIFT I STARTED TO OPEN. I DISCOVERED IT WAS FROM A HIGHER END STORE AND STARTED TO FEEL SAD AND HAPPY. I FELT MY CHEAP OLD MUGS WERE NOT IN ANY COMPARISON TO HIS. I CONTINUED TO OPEN IT. IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL HAND CRAFTED CRYSTAL ORNAMENT. ABOUT THE SIZE OF A SMALL APPLE. WITHIN THE CRYSTAL WAS A CLOCK. HE COMBINED THE TRADITIONAL AND MODERN GIFT OF 15TH ANNIVERSARY. IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I THINK I HAD EVEN GOTTEN A GROWNUP GIFT. I CRIED EXTENSIVELY. THE THOUGHT AND LOVE BEHIND THE GIFT WAS TOUCHING MY CORE. HERE WE WERE TWO GROWN MEN. WE STARTED OUT AS BOYS. WE STARTED OUT UNKNOWINGLY ATTRACTED TO EACH OTHER. WE GREW TOGETHER.  TEARS ASIDE IT WAS TIME TO GO. TIME TO FACE THE BITTER COLD OF WINTER.

IT WAS FREEZING COLD. I WAS FRETTING OVER WHERE TO GO FOR SUPPER AS IT WAS MY TURN TO PICK.  WE WENT TO A PLACE WE HAVE NEVER BEEN TO BEFORE AND DECIDED IT WAS TIME TO TRY THIS PLACE OUT. IT WAS NICE. WE HAD A GOOD TABLE AND A HOT SERVER, CHAD. A FIT MUSCULAR BLACK DUDE WHO WAS CHARMING AND FLIRTY EVEN THOUGH HE WAS STRAIGHT AND THE LIKE. HE KNEW HOW TO PLAY THE GAME. THE SERVICE WAS EXCEPTIONAL AND OUR MEAL WAS DELICIOUS. WE HAD SOME GOOD CONVERSATION. WE LOOKED BACK AT THE PAST AND LOOKED FORWARD WITH IDEAS AND LOVE.

WE PAID OUR BILL AND LEFT THE COZY RESTAURANT FOR THE BITTER DRY COLD AIR. WE STARTED TO WALK HOME. WE THEN RAN TO CATCH A BUS.  MISSED IT. WE THEN MADE OUR WAY TO THE FERRY.  IT WAS A GOOD WALK HOME, ROMANTIC AND SILLY. WE WALKED BY THE BUILDING WHICH WE WILL SOON OCCUPY. I COMPLAINED MOST OF THE WAY HOME AS THE LONG-JOHNS I PUT ON WERE RIPPING OUT MY LEG HAIR BY THE ROOTS WITH EVERY STEP I WAS TAKING.

WE MADE IT HOME. I WAS TIRED AND STUFFED. WE MADE OURSELVES COMFORTABLE AND CUDDLED ON THE COUCH. HE PUT NETFLIX ON AND WATCHED A STAND UP COMEDY. I FELL ASLEEP ON HIM AS PER COURSE. HE WOKE ME UP AND WE MADE OUR WAY TO BED. WE CUDDLED AND I DRIFTED OFF WITH LOVE IN MY HEART AND JOY IN MY SMILE.

GOOD NIGHT. SWEET DREAMS.

 

Words & Numbers = No Answers

190Days

16 Hours

0Minutes

20Seconds

SINCE WE FOUND OUT….

 

I feel much better now that I had.

He is lucky that the triumeq has been kind to his body.

He has had no visible, mental or other side effects.

Well none that we can tell.  He has been on the pills since October 8th 6am.

83 DAYS….

He has had some tiny pimple like issues around his mouth area, upper lip, not pimples but blister red blemish like. They come and go. He has periods of this.  This has happened since diagnosis but has only had a couple outbreaks since his pills. Unsure if it is related or just “who he is”

His only side effect is within 60mins of taking the pill which are cured with diet, he eats and they go away. I am happy and relieved that is all of the issues he has had.  As for bowel issues. He has always had issues so knowing if it is because of the pills or not is sort of irrelevant. He has always had bouts with his shit…He farts more. His shit stinks more…BUT who knows…

He has a rash the size of a Canadian One Dollar Coin on his left upper leg. It has grown.

Other than that……just the mental anguish he goes through in phases.

My side effects are  perpetual worry. Over the holidays I was sad a bit but happy. Full of love but also very aware of what has transpired over the last 7months.  December was full of Dr’s appointments.

We were eating supper last night and I was obviously getting emotional. He asked me why I was looking sad.  I opened up and was honest with him and said it was because of HIV thoughts. It would be a disservice to him and me if I just kept it inside and not be truthful why I was sad. I had been thinking of his diagnosis…That was the truth. HE smiled and said thank you and we continued with our night of movies and laughs.

 

 

 

bathhouse breeding in a serodiscordant relationship

A few weeks ago  I went to the local bathhouse. It was a weeknight that my partner was working the night shift and I was unaware of how to be alone with myself.

I knew my bud with the foot fetish was working the counter at the bathhouse so I was hopping I would either get in for free, get a free bottle of poppers or….I am not into him but he seems to be into me so I play with it…..

I was there for a few hours. It was nothing to talk about. Same ole same ole.

I posted on squirt.org that I thought it would be busy and men started to come out of the woodwork. A few regulars I have seen before with huge cocks, a bottom then HE walked in.

I had not seen him over a year. He dropped a shit load of weight.

He is a trucker, a bit of pudge, average 7inch cock with horse balls. He probably was 5’11 ad 220 but stocky fit before. He was probably now 175….

Hot as ever but damn…so it was him, my hung friend who is probably pecan thick cock and 9inches uncut..older BB buddy and another oral expert. The three of us in the basement in the dark room. The trucker was servicing all three of us. He was cum hungry. Sucking all three of us equally. I whispered in the hung tops ear to get behind the bottom. He got on his knees and started to work the truckers hole….

He slipped his hung cock into his hole as the trucker continued to suck me off…I stepped aside to let the other dude get his bj then went behind the top to feel his raw cock breed this horny cumslut trucker take it.

I love feeling raw cock in a dudes hole…wish there was more light…..I could feel the tops cock explode in the truckers hole. I felt the shaft pulse..and pulse as my hand cradled his balls and shaft.

I am rock hard just writing this.

The top withdrew his cock and you could hear the slurp plop of his cock coming out. I walked up on my knees to get behind the trucker… I grabbed my cock and positioned it around his warm eager hole, slid it in and I could feel the tops load. Slathering my cock I started to pump his hole. Frothing up his load around his hole, cum dripping out around the sides of my cock as I breed for the first time in months.

The guilt and excitement of breeding for the firs time in months made me dump my load almost instantly. I thrusted every drop in his hole as my hands massaged his ass and waist. I love breeding doggy style. I felt a sense of guilt and “what if” the trucker was poz.

He has a girlfriend. He does go to the bathhouse, he probably picks up on the road. I know he breeds with the oral guy I mentioned earlier. Maybe he doesn’t know. How could he drop that weight.  Distortions started to freak me out and make me forget what I had just done. I loved it but hated it.

I haven’t stopped thinking of it since…..Who doesn’t love a fit, hung big balled cum slut bottom? Tats and a trucker at that! Sort of fits the bill for a gay man’s fantasy.

The boyfriend and I had been with him a handful of times before.

So why was this time any different. Who knows….But I want to do it again.

Fuck I love breeding….

Feels slightly disrespectful to boyfriend who is now living with HIV but….

I have needs….torn….

UNDETECTABLE, almost…

What is a number. They say age is just a number. HIV status is just a number.  Time is just a series of numbers. Bank accounts are just numbers.

What is ONE.

What is undetectable…..

Close but no cigar?

SO….Here are some numbers for you….

June-  Boyfriend had a extremely High Viral Load. 1,000,000’s. That was within just a month of infection.

July’ish- 700,000 parts per millilitre

September 500,000 parts per millilitre

October 400,000 parts per millilitre

October 8th 2015, 6am- FIRST Pill of Triumeq

December 10th 2015- 21 parts per millilitre

UNDETECTABLE IS 20PPM OR LESS!!

SO…JUST SHY OF UNDETECTABLE…THAT IS REMARKABLY GOOD NEWS!

A lot of anxiety was leading up to that number.

Would the pills work? Was taking them at 6am worth it? Was eating better and reduction of alcohol worth it? Was going to bed worth it?

Now we have our answer. It was such a surreal moment.

Lots of tears.

We have become a little complacent. We started to live our lives.

We found a new place to live(move in date March2016), I got a new job, GrandMother died, Had a tiny small emotionally charged spat*first time since May2015 we had any sort of fight.(granted it was the day after grandmothers funeral).  Boyfriend started to see an ENT. Got him hooked up to a CPAP machine. It took 7months to get a psychologist to see him, He just had his first appointment just before Christmas. He has seen a Naturopath Dr 2x.

Now what??

 

TIMELINES

So much time has gone by since my last post.

I truly have no excuse other than a lack of commitment and structure to my life.

In October I applied for a job, got the job, 3weeks of intense training off site then thrown into the position sink or swim style. I am loving it!

I was fortunate enough that my partner stepped up to the plate and helped me deal with life’s daily routine. I am grateful. He wrote me little love notes every morning.  He made sure laundry was done.  He not only made supper nightly but also did the dishes as I absolved myself from all household chores to only fall into the abyss of self reflection of the days training and mentally shutting down.

He loved me. He cuddled me. He made sure I wanted or needed for anything. It helped me achieve my goals.  I had not worked since April. And before that I had only worked for 6months.

It was my time. I knew I had to get off my rocker and get out in life. I not only had to live my motto of be strong to be strong for him later. It involved me becoming a whole person.

I was not working. I was only bringing in $790 bucks a month from disability. Whereas he has HIV and is working. Worked through his seroconversion, his pills, the mental anguish, YET here I sit unable to get out in the world and contribute.

I wanted to work. I just had no idea what I was capable of. I felt a wave of positivity from my partners journey. I knew I could do it. An opportunity arose and I grabbed it and did my best.

I have been working full time since December 4th.

Daily I knew I wanted to write in my blog for you fellow readers but was so caught up in my new chapter I was unable to get ahold of what was happening let alone able to put it into words.

I generally prefer not to write at home. I like going to a coffee shop and being out in the world to allow influences and life inspire me to write. So here I sit. January 2nd 2016. A new year….

The next couple of months should be busy for me but I hope to achieve some sense of normalcy now that I have a months schedule I can pencil in some blogging time.

Much has happened for my partner and I’s path of positivity that I have been bursting at the seams to share. Now I have an opportunity.

Happy New Year!

Fucking and Sucking at the Bathhouse

I could not take it anymore. I went to the local bathhouse on Sunday.  I know a guy who works there so I was hoping to get in there for free. That was not the case. He also told me on my way over to bring a book. I guess it has been slow there recently. It seems to be that when it is busy one night of the weekend the next couple days are slow and not so busy at all. I had to go.  had to take my chances and have some fun. I was craving some man cock and just to feel it in my hand.

I went. I paid my dues and went to my room. Only one other man was there. It was awkward for a bit. Not knowing how I wanted to conduct myself in the realms of fucking and sucking.

I walked around. Put my towel on and enjoyed the porn playing on the tvs throughout the bathhouse. It as ok. A few other men appeared and we played the game. We all took turns following each other.

Here is the attendance. Myself. A early 50s fit wish man with a big chest tattoo and a hung cock.  A middle aged man, slim and trim, shy and fussy. An older slim trim man, white hair and a white beard. A slim trim late 40s man*who i have played with before. A 30s shortish cub with a hairy chest and beard. Plus 2 other middle aged men.

I had the pleasure of sampling the older man with the tattoo. I was unaware at the time who’s cock was in the dark glory hole but it was awesome. He was hung, juicy and how a mans cock should feel in your mouth.  I was cock hungry, I also had the older white haired man in my mouth.  All the men were hung that day.  I also had the pleasure of feasting on the regular guy I had met before.  At one point the white hair hung man and my regular and I all played in the glory hole. It was great. I was so horny and the feeling of having two hung fat cocks in each hand as I sucked was great.

I will admit 2 days later I have some guilt. I feel….I feel like Christ…I could have gotten HIV, I could have gotten any other STD.  sighs…Time will tell.

I know the tattoo man had cum near my mouth and I had a small taste. I also could taste pre-cum from my regular. I also know my regular plays a lot and he self admitted to me in the past he had “curable” STDS..thank god for antibiotics.

So here I sit in the coffee shop…Do I have an STD.  Unlikely HIV but it’s still a risk. I mean,” what if the man who gave it to my partner has not been contacted or knows he has it and is out there spreading it still!!!”

sighs…This is what nearly turns me off from SEX.

The Sweats

For some reason yesterday I was unable to sleep.

I had an exciting day. I had been outside in the sun most of the day. I had been to my local coffee house for  a moment to enjoy being out and about and people watching. Looking at apartments and condos online, sipping on my coffee.

I had a job offer and I accepted it. Needless to say I was full of life yesterday.

SO….I stayed up late and surfed the net while watching Netflix. I went to bed just before 3am. I crawled into bed. The boyfriend was sleeping silently. I had no issues. I went to cuddle him and he was very very very sweaty and warm. I felt his forehead and he had no fever.

My first thought was,” was this the sweats they talk about?”

My boyfriend has always been a sweaty sleeper. It was not an uncommon thing. I was not too surprised but for the first time it did bother me. I second guessed who he was. I was angry.

Anger. Angry. Frustrated. Sad….I was sad….I was sad that my boyfriend I would never ever truly know who he would have become. He has now become something else. He will never ever become the man he or I thought he would.

Will I always second guess each wrinkle, will I second guess his fat, will I second guess his energy level. I am….

He had never ever had any HIV symptoms and still has had no illness. I read all the time on these HIV chaser sights etc that guys get the “fuck flu” etc. Some state they get it within weeks. Etc…It blows my mind. It makes me doubt. It makes me mad. It makes me confused. It makes me sad…just plain sad.

He is a very slim man as it is. At the most he is 135 lbs wet…..Slim and trim he has always been.  That scares me for the future. What will happen to him with the HIV and his body type. It seems unlikely that he will be a huge man with muscle and such but what are you suppose to do…I can’t change him. HE can’t not become someone he isn’t. He works out. HE eats well..

I tell myself he is fortunate enough that he has never had the “fuck flu”, he has never had symptoms. Now that he is 30days in with triumeq  he is on his way to being as normal and healthy as he can be…BUT he will never know who he could have been…

I don’t know.  It seems my stages of touring are now all so melded together I am just moving on.

I asked him yesterday how he was in regards to his side effects. He said he only suffers some upset stomach and nausea and once he eats its gone. So I suppose that is a good thing but again the pamphlet that came with the drug says that side effects may appear up to 6weeks after. It scares me if he gets diarrhoea because he already has bowel issues has he has 18inches less of his large intestine….He has always had shit issues….since the surgery.

HIV and the Common Cold

HIV and the Common Cold.

Both Virus’ both have their own stigmas.

Both have their enemies…

The Common Cold goes through the work place and sheltered and secretive germaphobes come out of the wood work. Germaphobes start to dictate to others how to live their life. Give suggestions to peers on how to combat the virus. Little empathy comes the way of the cold sufferer. People with a cold are shunned from engaging with their friends. Struggling to get their own work done. Waste paper baskets filling with crumbled yellowish tissues. The dry hack or sneeze echoes through the hallways and coffee rooms.

Coworkers begin to use their elbows to open doors, people avoid the sick. People will gossip about how rude it was for the Cold sufferer to even show up at work.

With my own experience of HIV ignorance and my exposure to it from others seems the same. People start to whisper about the infected. People will roll their eyes. People will be afraid to use common areas out of ignorance of HIV.

I have yet to fully experience ignorance or hate about my partners HIV infection however I am sure some day I will be exposed to it and I will have to deal with the sorrow and stigma of people living with HIV.

Whether it be at the bathhouse and my partner comes or not people will ask about him and wonder why he does not come with me anymore. Men who we use to fuck will start to ask how come we are not in the game anymore. People will ask what is wrong with my partner.

Now I have had my first experience of my partner being sick while having HIV. Four days ago he started to suffer from common cold symptoms. He had a sore throat, a tickle even. He had a stuffy nose and sinuses and  sneezing and coughing. The common cold came on fast and hard.

I knew one day we would have to deal with a common ailment and work our way through it and wonder if it was due to his weakened Immune System or just a cold as everybody gets.

The weird thing is my partner in the 15years I have been with him has hardly ever been sick. I can count on one hand how many times he has had a cold or flu. Actually, He has never had the flu. He is relatively a very very healthy man. He refrains from taking OTC meds for even headaches which he has rarely gotten.  It was actually headaches and clogged sinuses that made him worry he may have an HIV infection.

This first Cold was nothing for me. Did I worry, yes! Did I make a big deal about it, No! I did baby him the first two days. The first day he had off anyway due to a Dr. appointment. As soon as we got him home from the appointment I tucked him into bed with extra blankets made him some tea and gave him some fruit.

I then ran to the grocery store to pick up some remedies. I got him Cold FX, a cold/flu pill which for us is a miracle. I got him Zinc lozenges as well as some great fruit and veggies and some more tea.

I made sure he was well hydrated and made sure he was always drinking or having  fruit and chicken noodle soup every 2 hours. I was always reminding him to drink up, take his pills and vitamins.

One thing we learned as we went through this process is we have to look at OTC a little differently. We have to read labels and understand how they interact with HIV medications. We decided from the limited knowledge the medical community has on herbs and how they interact with HIV meds to not use the Zinc Lozenges. We did continue with the Cold FX and the multi vitamin.

Day 2 of his cold he called in sick with my strong recommendation. Day 3 he also called in sick and Day 4 which is today is his normal day off. The first 2 days I really did baby him and made sure the household was run smoothly and he asked for nothing. I always made sure he was able to rest and move about the house freely and able to enjoy the time to recover. My thinking was as this was his first cold with HIV that it would be a baseline to know how long it takes him to recover.

Today he still has a cough and seems congested but his energy level is higher. He has been getting a lot of sleep and eating very well and I love him to death. He had said earlier in his cold that it was a 7-8/10 as being intense and today being a 3-4/10.  He never once allowed his mind to go there. To go to the dark place of ” oh poor me I have HIV and I have a cold, this sucks.”

His energy level is up and he still has some symptoms but he is still suffering from sinus congestion. Which really he would have had anyway with or without HIV. He has always had sinus issues.

So how was our first attack of a common ailment. It was great. It went well.  I told him it was important for me and I think for him to actually have taken the time off work and see how this cold plays out in prime conditions. Without work interfering and draining his energy. He knows that to beat a cold it takes him 5days minimum to get to a level of functioning. To me it was a test. It was show him that his health matters. That as his first cold to show him how much work it is to get back on your feet and boost your immune system without work adding to the mix.

So when a cold hits him again he can make the choice. As previously he would go to work and it would drain him and it may take him a little longer to bounce back.

I think he is in a unique situation. That he is on his meds for 30days now and he has gotten a cold within that time. Was it due to a weakened immune system, who knows? We will never know. Does it matter, probably not. Is it important? I think so! WHY? Because it adds to a baseline. WE know How strong his body is. We know he is still a strong resilient man. He said he knew that his body knows what to do and trust his immune system. I think that is powerful that he knows that.

It is just a simple Common Cold but from a man who never got sick it is important.

In the past at the slightest sign of a scratchy throat or a tickle we would both take a triple dose of Cold FX.  We never got a cold!! WE strongly believe in our regiment to beat the cold. The reason we take a triple dose is this. The normal dosage is one pill 200mg once a day for maintenance up to a safe limit of . If you are sick you can take an extra strength formula. This formula is 300mg x6 a day, 1800mg! So what we did was this.

Day 1 3 200mg x 3 day= 1800day

Day 2 same

Day 3 2 200mg x 3 day= 1200mg

Day 4 same

Day 5 1 200mg x 3 day = 200mg

Day 6 1 200mg x 1 day – 200mg

We find when we do this we never ever get sick. We also cut out all refined sugars, grains, red meat, booze, dairy, and drink lots of water. We have tried and tested this method for 7years! We swear by it and would testify under oath that this product is a true and tested product that should be the standard to treating and preventing colds.

So here we are, one testimonial and our first Common Cold Mixed with HIV infection.

Poppered Out: an Ode to the Good Ole Days….

Am I too old for this shit?

This is a common mental  note I make after I spend some time jacking off when I use poppers as an enhancement to my edging sessions.

I have been using Poppers since I was 21. I had accidentally came across this phenomenon of gay culture. I remember visiting a gay bar for a Halloween event and I was dancing away and I noticed many gay boys dancing it up with lighters to their nose. I never thought much of it. Curious but not tempted. I remember a boy asking me if I wanted a huff. I declined after asking him what it was.

It was on my mind for several months. After leaving the big city back to where I was living I was laying in bed with my boyfriend at the time. We were talking about it. I told him the local sex shop was selling this liquid called Poppers and I wanted to try it. We agreed to try it. He went to shower and I ran to the local porn shop to buy a bottle of this heavenly substance.

I got back to the apartment and I ran into the bedroom to start our little sex party for two. It was amazing. We inhaled this euphoric liquid like it was our existence. We had a great time fucking.

Needless to say 20 years later I am still using it. I have always wanted it apart of my sex life. It was many years later that I started to hear rumblings on how it is not good for you.

20 years later I am now finding myself more cautious of its use. I love it. I love the feeling, I love the habit of edging my cock and raising my hand to my nose and taking a big huff filling my lungs with the breath of ecstasy. It filled my body with a throb, a high that intensified my orgasm. I would edge myself to the point of passing out sometimes.

I remember a time in my youth(about 9years ago) that I was severely depressed. I was unemployed. I was smoking pot. I was drinking. I was addicted to porn. My current boyfriend and I had a cozy 2 bedroom apartment. I would use the spare bedroom as my lair. It was my sex dungeon. I created a bad habit. I would stay up late, well past my boyfriends bedtime. I had it down to a science. I would watch 2 sitcoms smoking pot, maybe 4 joints would get me high. After the sitcoms ended, I would sit back in my bachelors chair, grab a drink, and put porn on the DVD player.  I had these DVDs that would play for 8hrs. It was heaven.  I would edge, toking in one hand and poppers in the other. I would edge for 1-2hours, working my cock with pot and poppers. Added to the fact that I would be hot boxing my room and my cock was restrained in a cock-ring I would have the most intense orgasm and shoot loads. It was a contest with myself to see how far I could shoot. At times I would jerk off and cum right away only to toke and stroke to porn until I was ready to blow a second time.

I would remember after blowing my loads and my head rolling back,  my eyes were shut and seeing colours and my body filling with this body chill. I would slowly freak out wondering what was happening to my body. It was the most intense body stone I would have. Even back then I felt like I was on the edge of something dangerous.  I then went to bed at 3am and slept in. I lived for bating my cock.

I did this for months. Then one fatal night, early in the night I had this most intense cough. It hurt. It felt like my lungs had separated from its connective tissue from my ribs and I blew a gasket. It hurt. The very next day I developed this huge thump in my chest and I gave up smoking pot. Just like that cold turkey.

My days of edging and putting myself in a frenzy were over.

Recently the Canadian Gov’t decided that the importation and sale of Poppers was illegal. Poppers soon became a high commodity in the gay black market. Everyone was out. No one could find any. Then out of the blue people started to sell them over craigslist, bars and some bathhouses would start to sell them under the table. The price doubled even tripled.  I would admit I too would buy them for an outrageous price.

Why not?

I love to jack my cock and fuck while sniffing poppers.

There was a time though that I knew better and tried to go off them when it was too difficult to find them. In my sex drawer where I store my condoms, lube, toys etc I have probably 12 or more used old bottles.

I have also suffered the consequences of poppers. I would sometimes get that rash, that skin burn under my nostrils, mostly one side than the other.  Certain Brands would contribute to it more than others and then sometimes it was just the age of the poppers that would contribute to my nose being burnt. A chemical burn to say the least. I would go through times in my life being questioned by coworkers what was wrong with my nose, family members would ask. I would always reply with it was a cold, I got burnt by steam from a facial steamer, etc. Whatever would take the attention away from me using poppers. It was hard but it always worked. My worst fear was that people would assume I sniffed the white stuff. I never did!! for the record.

I learned that sometimes I would chase the rush. I wanted to be fully poppered up when I blew my load which would lead to my head rush and my body feeling completely useless and unable to move after I bated for so long. This told me I was getting too old for this shit.

Why do I do it….Habit, addiction??

I know men who are older and have been doing it longer. Was it a bad thing? Will I succumb to some sort of cancer because of it? Will I die because of my bad habit? Does Health Canada know something they aren’t telling us ? Why are countries around the world finally after 4 or more decades now banning poppers?  Can I survive without them?  Can I relearn how to have enjoyable sex without them?

Who doesn’t love a good hit of the little brown inconspicuous bottle when your about to take 8 or more inches of raw cock?!! I do…Fuck, I am so tight, I rarely take it but when you meet that one guy who you just can’t resist but to try, they sure come in handy then.

I have met many people over the years who are against them, I have met some men who consider them a drug just as pot or coke are. That I do not understand. I have at one point in my life freely used them in the club dancing as well. They were making a comeback, I remember educating my straight friends to try them. It was all the rage once.

There is something to be said to walking into a room, a bathhouse, or a sex party and the first thing that hits your nose is the stench of raw poppers filling your body before you even see any skin….